Cannibal Excited After Hearing About Shelter For Battered Women

“Not sure what their business model is – not that I’m complaining.”

Jaffa, December 19 – An area enthusiast of consuming human flesh admitted today he was anxious to sample the wares at a local facility that houses battered women, sources are reporting.

Akul Lahmi Albashar, 35, informed his friends yesterday that it had come to his attention that a grassroots group runs a shelter and manages apartments for battered women, and that he could not stop his mouth watering at the thought of all that human flesh dripping an with egg-and-breadcrumb mixture, waiting to be deep-fried.

“Oh my God,” he was heard to exclaim. “Do you think they use more than one kind of batter? I’m partial to beer tempura, of course, but butter-egg-and-panko could give that a run for its money, you know what I’m saying? I need to know how much they charge per kilo.”

Representatives of the organization managing the shelter have so far declined to provide the information Mr. Lahmi Albashar requested by phone on four occasions, and warned him that further attempts to contact the group will result in a harassment complaint filed with the police. Undeterred, the cannibalism enthusiast has tried by other means to inquire what varieties of batter the organization applies to the women in its care.

“I’m not insistent on it being women,” he explained. “But you take what you can get. This predilection of mine doesn’t often allow one to get picky. I do hope the place makes it, but I suspect it’s a niche market. Not sure what their business model is – not that I’m complaining. I just hope it lasts long enough for me to chow down on all the kinds of battered women they have.”

Lahmi Albashar’s more discreet attempts to obtain the information he seeks has included browsing and searches of the organization’s web and Facebook pages, but given the confidentiality necessary to protect the women involved from abusive partners, he has found little. He decided against prevailing on others to ask questions for him, lest those inquiries be traced back to him and a harassment complaint filed against him in any case.

The phenomenon marks the second time in as many years that the Jaffa resident has become excited over the cannibalistic implications of recent developments. In September 2016 he made plans to travel to the New York area after reading reports that an investor was considering reviving a chain of retail establishments that went out of business in 2001, called Lechter’s.

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