Hell Forced To Open New Wing For Suicide Bombers

Sheol, March 24 – The management of the Underworld announced this morning that a continued influx of suicide bombers from various countries in the Middle East has made it necessary to set aside a separate extension of the domain just for them.

Beelzebub and Lucifer held a press conference on the banks of the River Styx to publicize the change, which they stressed was not prompted by any considerations of space. “Hell expands as necessary to accommodate all who deserve to dwell here,” said Beelzebub. “The main consideration behind this renovation is the effect that the presence of these suicide bombers had on other residents of Gehinnom.” He explained that the other denizens of the demonic afterlife were experiencing unauthorized relief at the knowledge that they were not nearly as %$!@ed in the head as the bombers.

The administration therefore decided to sequester past and future suicide bombers in a level all their own. The new policy, explained Lucifer, would offer the double benefit of ensuring the adequate level of suffering for the rest of Hell’s residents, while also confronting the bombers themselves with others who are as vehement about their own particular view of things, immune to swaying from their point of view, and eternally in their face with no possibility of showing the other who is right by blowing everybody up at once. “We engineer the environment for maximum frustration,” said Lucifer.

Satan himself issued a statement noting that the change is being announced on the tenth anniversary of the arrival in Hell of Sheikh Ahmad Yassin, a Hamas leader assassinated in an Israeli airstrike. Yassin sent vast numbers of suicide bombers into Israel, resulting in thousands of killed and injured. The anniversary is being marked in the Gaza Strip with tributes of gunfire, prompting Satan to order further suffering for Yassin, since the latter’s deeds continue to have an impact on Earth. Yassin’s sentence consists mainly of feeling the anguish of his victims, compounded by the shame of continually realizing the corruption of his convictions and life’s work.

Other residents of Hell have had their punishments similarly renewed in recent years as the impact of their activities continues to take its toll. Osama Bin Laden and Yasser Arafat, for example, have been subjected to hearing the voice of Allah Himself repeat, “Thou shalt not murder,” as footage of the unholy carnage they wrought plays before them. The intensity of the ordeal increases with every attempted attack by Palestinians or Al-Qaeda operatives.

This is not the first time that a sudden reallocation of underworld space has been made for an increase in certain types of the damned. The Middle Ages saw a discrete wing set aside for crusaders who massacred entire communities of the wrong kind of believers, and, more recently, for Europeans who collaborated with the Nazis in rounding up, persecuting, and massacring Jews.

Lucifer also noted that certain people yet alive already have special places set aside for them, including Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah, Russian President Vladimir Putin, and the executives at the Fox network who launched the first all-reality-TV channel.