JVP, If Not Now To Cut Out Middle Man, Kill Israelis Directly

“We will now be recruiting for trips to counter the poison that Birthright dispenses: trips during which, instead of simply yelling at Zionists for not caring about Palestinians, our participants kill Birthright participants.”

New York, April 9 – Two American organizations focused on driving a wedge between American Jews and Israel have decided to alter their approach, whereby instead of engaging in activities to undermine the legitimacy of the world’s only Jewish state, thus enabling violence against it to enjoy support or sympathy, they will remove the uncertainty in the process and travel to Israel themselves to perpetrate such violence.

Jewish Voice for Peace and If Not Now, two groups whose major activities involve attention-getting ploys and slandering Israel’s efforts to defend itself and maintain Jewish sovereignty, have conducted a thorough review of their organizational aims, and concluded that they could achieve those aims with greater efficiency by cutting out the lengthy, ambiguous chain of events that could embolden Israel’s enemies to attack it, and instead sending their personnel to conduct shootings, bombings, stabbings, rammings, and other attacks without waiting for others to do so.

A spokeswoman for the interchangeable groups, both funded by the Rockefeller Brothers Foundation, told reporters that the decision stemmed from what she called a “maturing” of those involved. “One of the criticisms we’ve heard is that Americans shouldn’t be dictating what others do,” explained Shoteh Hoken. “That is definitely true in many ways, though we can find any number of exceptions. However, our grassroots membership has taken this question to heart, and we will now be recruiting for trips to counter the poison that Birthright dispenses: trips during which, instead of simply yelling at Zionists for not caring about Palestinians, our participants kill Birthright participants. It’s time to match our behavior with our rhetoric.”

“We’re under no illusion that this transition will be easy,” continued Hoken. “But we have numerous allies both here in North America and in the Middle East who have significant experience in pursuing such a policy, and have expressed eagerness to share that knowledge with us. It’s time that the new, progressive generation of American Jews – and Americans in general – adopt a more serious, empowered attitude about changing the world. Our grandparents and great-grandparents endured hardships with which, thanks to their hard work, we’ve never had a serious brush, but that level of privilege creates responsibility. They didn’t storm the beaches of Normandy in pursuit of defeating Nazi Germany so we could sit on our duffs and yell at the world to change. We’ve got to do the serious work of finishing Nazi Germany’s mission.”

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