“It is past time for the rest of the astronomical community to accept this fact and just move on.”
Washington, December 6 – Diplomatic and political figures around the solar system prepared for another expected round of violence after White House officials indicated that today US President Donald Trump would announce American recognition of one of the system’s outlying bodies as a full-fledged planet.
The controversial move comes on the heels of Trump’s announcement Wednesday that the US recognizes Jerusalem as Israel’s capital, a statement that has sparked threats of violence across the Muslim world and anger from Palestinians and their supporters. In preparation for the additional wave of violence stemming from the Pluto announcement, American diplomatic facilities and personnel between the orbit of Mercury and the Oort Cloud have been instructed to minimize their interaction with local populations and to avoid certain areas with precedent for attacks.
State Department personnel and other political figures in the US have joined European and other politicians in warning against such a move, as they consider it likely to compromise moribund peace efforts between Pluto and other Kuiper Belt objects over the final status of solar system bodies. “This is an irresponsible move – the status of Pluto must be determined in negotiations,” pronounced European Parliament member Nicolas Copernicus of Poland. “Prejudicing the outcome at this stage risks undermining decades of efforts to reach an agreement.”
Advocates of Pluto’s claims to planethood voiced satisfaction tinged with caution. “We of course welcome this change in American policy,” stated Charon Styx. “For too long, nations have gone to absurd lengths to ignore the political and physical realities on the… well, the ground, so to speak. Now a major power has acknowledged what everyone has always known and experienced, but were afraid to say out loud: Pluto is and always has been a planet. It is past time for the rest of the astronomical community to accept this fact and just move on. All thinking, feeling people hope the president follows through on this.”
Violence has occurred before involving the solar system, notably when it was announced during the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries that the heavenly bodies would be rearranged according to a heliocentric model to replace the previous geocentric one.
Following the announcements regarding Jerusalem and Pluto, sources within the Trump administration indicated several upcoming announcements expected to generate similar levels of controversy, including recognition of glass as a solid, recognition of the hot dog as a sandwich, a pronouncement declaring New York a member of the Union, and recognition of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet as a better love story than Twilight.
Please support our work through Patreon.