Woman Cowering Under Bed Amid Chicago Gun Battles Glad Obama Finally Sticking It To Netanyahu

“This climax of a progressive, eight-year stab-in-the-back of the US’s closest ally in the Middle East gives me the hope I need to get through these difficult times.”

Chicago, December 27 – A single mother of two cradling her little boys to her chest as a gangland gun battle rages in her housing project expressed gratification tonight that her fellow Chicagoan, President Barack Obama, was putting Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu in his place by engineering, then refusing to veto, a UN Security Council resolution declaring Israeli communities beyond the 1949 armistice line illegal.

Stacy Shartell, 25, screamed in horror at the sound of semiautomatic weapons fire in and near neighboring apartments, as well as at the ricochets and badly aimed shots that had already struck several places near her and her children. With the chaos and bloodshed surrounding her, the waitress thought of the myriad ways the lame-duck president’s parting shot at Israel would help her, and managed a brief smile before another volley of small-arms fire resonated through her home.

“I’m sure glad we have one of our own in the White House – he’s certainly showing that Bibi who’s boss,” pronounced Shartell between booms and her own preschooler’s and toddler’s screams. “It’s a damn good thing Obama spent so much time in these parts – he understands the concerns of people such as me who are trapped in Hell with no real hope of emerging unscathed. This climax of a progressive, eight-year stab-in-the-back of the US’s closest ally in the Middle East gives me the hope I need to get through these difficult times. I know with the right focus, this president is really shaping up to be one of the best for me and my family.”

Shartell noted the ways her life is expected to improve as a result of the president’s vindictive, petty machinations at the UN. “I can’t wait for this to translate into tangible benefits for me and my boys,” she predicted as a bullet pierced the mattress over her one-year-old’s head. “Any day now we should start to see things get better. Now that our commander-in-chief has thrown himself into an effort to demonize and isolate Israel, I’m sure my landlord will start fixing the leaky plumbing, remove and replace the lead-based paint on the walls, and do something about all the broken windows. At the same time, it’s probably only a matter of days, perhaps hours, until the rival gangs around here just lay down their weapons, stop dealing heroin and crack, and set up an organic, locally-sourced food cooperative.”

The rest of Shartell’s words were drowned out by the sound of shattering glass and the screams of a mortally wounded man behind the thin wall of the nextdoor apartment.

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