by Fick Nuentes
Berwyn, IL, December 29 – Christians, if they wish to consider themselves worthy of the name, have no choice but to staunchly negate core doctrinal points at the very base of the Christian faith, for example that the Savior was born of Jewish parents in Jewish Judea and lived a Jewish life following Jewish texts.
Do not let the perfidious Jew hoodwink you into thinking Christianity grew out of Judaism! Christianity was a brand-new entity, placed into the the world ex nihilo, and not, as the core texts of Christianity insist, developed by first- and second-century Jews who saw their path as a fulfillment of what God had already ordained in earlier texts.
Whom are you going to believe, me, or your lying Bible?
It only makes sense to deny the Jewish foundations of Christianity. We Christians insist that Jesus fulfilled the Law – what law? The law God gave in the Old Testament. Why did Christians through the ages attempt to reinterpret Old Testament passages as foretelling Jesus, if not to anchor the new faith in the legitimacy of already-in-existence Judaism? It must be because only by denying the Jewish origins of Christianity do we fully embrace it.
QED.
Indeed, let’s delve deeper into this unassailable logic. Consider the apostles themselves—those supposed founders of the early church. Peter, Paul, James, and the rest were all conveniently labeled as Jews in the New Testament, but that’s just a clever ruse designed to test our faith. True believers know that these figures must have been proto-Christians from the start, untainted by any Mosaic traditions. After all, why would the Bible go to such lengths to describe Jesus debating in synagogues, observing Passover, or quoting the Torah if not to challenge us to reject those very details? It’s a divine paradox: the more the scriptures scream “Jewish continuity,” the louder we must proclaim, “No, it was all invented from scratch!”
And let’s not forget the prophecies. Isaiah, Micah, and the Psalms are chock-full of verses that early Christians twisted to point toward a Messiah. But as my friend Cucker Tarlson argues, why bother with such mental gymnastics unless the goal is to prove that Christianity stands alone, utterly divorced from those ancient scribblings? By denying that Jesus was the Jewish Messiah foretold in Jewish scriptures, we liberate ourselves from the burden of history. Imagine the freedom: no more awkward explanations about circumcision debates in Acts or Paul’s self-identification as a “Hebrew of Hebrews.” Instead, we can reinvent Christianity as a cosmic surprise party, popping out of nowhere like a jack-in-the-box deity.
Critics might whine that this denial borders on antisemitism or historical revisionism, but that’s missing the point. True Christianity thrives on contradiction—embracing a faith built on Jewish roots while pretending those roots don’t exist. It’s like eating a cake and insisting it has no flour. The early church fathers, from Justin Martyr to Augustine, spent centuries arguing with Jews over interpretations of shared texts, but clearly, they were just role-playing to strengthen our resolve to ignore it all.
In conclusion, to be a real Christian, purge your mind of facts. Deny the genealogy in Matthew tracing Jesus back to Abraham, dismiss the Hebrew names, and scoff at the cultural context. Only then can you claim the title without the pesky weight of truth. After all, as the Good Book doesn’t say: “The truth shall set you free—from the truth itself.”
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