Tourist-Trap Store Actually Named ‘Going Out Of Business Sale’

Dusk falls over the storefront’s flickering “CLOSING FOREVER” sign (now in its eighth year of forever).

Jerusalem, November 20 – A venerable souvenir shop along one of this city’s main arteries popular among both local and international visitors has officially changed its name to “Going Out Of Business Sale,” following more than three decades of such a sign hanging over the establishment’s facade.

The store, whose previous name proved so unremarkable that this reporter forgot it by the time of this writing, now proclaims in its registered moniker that only if you hurry, will you stand a chance of getting the deal of the century on tourist-kitsch T-shirts, pins, hats, water bottles, figurines, and sundry other “native” goods actually imported from China.

Going Out Of Business Sale owner Hertzel Shapira chuckled in an interview that he came up with the idea long ago, but bureaucracy delayed its implementation until last month.

“My ‘50% OFF’ keychains have been 50% off since 2023,” he guffawed. “Tourists already think we’re closing. Now we’re just honest.

Shapira shook his head at the paperwork necessary to effect the change. “They wanted proof we weren’t actually going out of business,” he grumbled, then grinned. “I showed them our profit margins. They stamped it immediately. Also a little extra for the clerk at the government office, to keep her from going out of business, if you get my meaning.”

Tourists remain unaware of the provenance of the store. American visitor Chad Claussen, from Wilmington, Delaware, spent 20 minutes photographing the storefront. “I thought it was performance art,” he told reporters. “Like, meta-commentary on capitalism? Then I bought this ‘I Got Ripped Off in Jerusalem’ shirt for my cousin. Irony, right?”

The store’s new slogan – “We’ve Been Closing Since 1992!” – appears on every receipt. Business has reportedly tripled, with customers rushing in “before it’s too late.” One German couple attempted to negotiate bulk discounts, citing the impending closure. They left with three camel-shaped hookahs and a story for their grandkids.

The competition is taking notes. Across the street, “Final Clearance Bazaar” is considering rebranding to “Bankruptcy Blowout Bonanza.” Meanwhile, a pop-up falafel stand has adopted “Last Pita Before Extinction.”

As dusk falls over the storefront’s flickering “CLOSING FOREVER” sign (now in its eighth year of forever), Shapira lights a cigarette and surveys his empire of marked-up tchotchkes. “In Israel,” he muses, “the real tourist trap isn’t the prices. It’s hope.

“The store closes daily at 6 PM sharp. Or 7. Depending on how many people are still buying “final sale” snow globes of the desert

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