PreOccupied Territory The News In Advance. Barely.

Jerusalem, October 2 – A Jerusalem resident intends to launch a cat off the roof of his apartment building this Saturday to commemorate an ancient Jewish atonement rite involving goats. Gidon Levi, 40, will partially reenact the Biblical scapegoat ritual ...

Woodmere, NY, October 1 – The Jewish communities of Long Island’s Five Towns area are in an uproar over a local synagogue’s initiative to link individual member families with specific inmates in Israel’s prison system incarcerated for engaging in terrorist ...

Jerusalem, October 1 – Police officials announced today that the vast majority of potential successors to the police commissioner have been eliminated from contention, ruling out everyone but a turnip in the Machane Yehuda market. Corruption scandals and incompetence have ...

Gaza City, September 30 – The bevy of supply restrictions facing residents of this coastal territory has taken their toll on various civil services, including paramedics, who, in the absence of dummies, must now resort to injuring people in order ...

Washington, September 29 – So is it a war? The US bombed Syria? Finally! Wait, what? Not Assad? OK, we’re officially confused.

Boston, September 29 – Following an outpouring of appreciation once deemed impossible from fans of a hated rival, the outgoing shortstop of the New York Yankees has been appointed Special Envoy to the Middle East. He will use his powers ...

New York, September 28 – Muslims around the world are shifting their religious allegiances on matters of doctrine, say experts, as a result of US President Barack Obama’s obvious expertise in their spiritual affairs, which he demonstrated last week by ...

Damascus, Syria, September 23 – The leader of a state deeply enmeshed in the support and arming of groups violently targeting civilian populations as a means of achieving political aims told visiting dignitaries today that he backs US-led efforts to ...

Beersheba, the Land of Canaan – Canaanite authorities have placed Abraham under arrest today, alleging that he recklessly endangered the life of his son by almost sacrificing the child to the LORD. Abraham, a father of two residing in the ...

Jerusalem, September 23 – An audit by the State Comptroller has revealed that the Ministry of the Interior has apparently been misunderstanding its mission, and has restricted itself to managing home and office decor when its actual mandate involves  local government, citizenship and residency, ...