Morale has taken more than a decade to recover from a 2014 episode that saw Israeli agents steal the Ayatollah’s entire tentacle porn archive.
Tehran, May 22 – Iran’s Supreme Leader took extra precautions today to protect his regime’s most valuable assets from air attack, aides disclosed: reserving four precious rooms in the country’s deepest underground sites to store his library and magnetic media of human-caprine debauchery.
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei’s staff assured several regime-controlled media outlets that the populace need not worry about the fate of His Eminence’s extensive goat-porn collection, rumored to be the world’s largest, in case of n Israeli or American attack against Iran’s strategic assets.
“We wish everyone to remain calm and secure in the knowledge that this valuable material will not come to harm,” a representative of the Ayatollah conveyed to the official news agency FARS. “While some still harbor understandable concerns about His Holiness’s access to the collection when his schedule places him elsewhere, we beseech the public not to stoke unnecessary fear. Our Supreme Leader will take all required steps to stay within reach of some sacred goat porn at all times.”
The aide explained that some elements of the famed collection will not join the main body of it in the secure bunker. “To maintain an image of confidence and invulnerability, His Eminence the Ayatollah will not confine himself to underground quarters,” the aide noted. “Enemy mockery of [slain Hezbollah leader] Sayyed [Sheikh Hassan] Nasrallah often focused on his ‘cowardly’ refusal to be seen in public for fear of air strikes. But our Supreme Leader has no such fear. He will therefore carry with him at all times some of the material that features his favorite two goats and their human partners in cinema. The public can remain secure in the knowledge that this element of political stability will be maintained regardless of what else happens.”
Regime morale has taken more than a decade to recover from an embarrassing episode in 2014 that saw Israeli agents steal the Ayatollah’s entire tentacle porn archive from right under his figurative nose. The haul also included significant portions of his treasury of one-of-a-kind 3D models of his favorite kinky moments in hentai, and nearly half of his dildos. Robust new security measures have since become the order of the day throughout the country in all facilities containing the Ayatollah’s porn.
“We have thwarted several deep-penetration operations,” boasted a counterintelligence official, whose predecessor was outed as a Mossad agent two years ago. “The only deep penetration that’s going to be allowed around here will involve the angora stars Zizi and Gugu, with their… amazing horns.”
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