By Stu Peterson
St. Paul, April 28 – Observers have noted a suspicious correlation, especially among men, between regular strenuous exercise and skepticism of claims that Jews control the world. I therefore refuse to succumb to pressure to join the ranks of the disciplined athletes. Doing so acknowledges a volitional aspect to my health, my mental state, and my overall reality, which runs counter to my insistence that Jewish perfidy and corruption account for every misfortune. You won’t catch me lifting weights!
And do not even ASK about my food intake.
The Jews engineer bad food to be yummy and good food to be less appealing. I am helpless to resist. How dare you imply I have any choice in the matter – are you some sort of Jewish Supremacist? You sound like one. Trying to find some “prosaic” or “plausible” explanation for what any clear-thinking person knows is a straightforward Jewish conspiracy.
Pass me that box of donuts, would you?
Regardless of what you think on the subject of free will, think of me as taking one for the team. I must demonstrate consistency. I cannot simultaneously denounce the Jews for everything bad that happens to me and those I support, while also taking active measures to improve anything at all about myself. If I diet and exercise with regularity, and can maintain the discipline to keep to such a regimen, then I can no longer blame the Jews for my obesity. Nor can anyone else. I do this as a public service. You can thank me by passing more donuts.
Wait a minute, Stu, I hear you object, have we not heard you complain that you have tried to diet, and it simply doesn’t work for you? have we not heard you accuse the Jews of scamming the world with the diet industry?
Fake news. Remember who controls the media that fed you that story? That’s right.
And what if it were true? It does not disprove the larger – as measured around the waist – point about Jewish machinations and Jewish manipulations and Jewish guilt for every negative phenomenon in existence. The moment you allow that Jews are not to blame for even the tiniest bad thing, you leave the door open for others not to blame the Jews in general.
I fight this because at the bottom of that slippery slope is the gym. I cannot allow myself to end up there.
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