Every bite caused him to close his eyes and rock his head back and forth in near-rapture.
Jerusalem, May 19 – A resident of Israel’s capital who appreciates the finer gustatory elements of life voiced his excitement today that the city’s culinary scene continues to improve, and acknowledged his sense of dodging a bullet with the realization that while Jewish law has specific parameters to define betrayal of the One True God, his ardent devotion to those gustatory pleasures lies just short of crossing those boundaries.
Daniel Weinberg, 40, took occasional breaks from basking in the afterglow of a sumptuous steak dinner at one of Jerusalem’s upscale steakhouses to voice his relief that his dedication to good food does not, on technical grounds, fall afoul of Biblical prohibitions against idolatry, but he conceded he can make no guarantee the situation will remain that way.
“Goddamn, that was good,” he smiled, closing his eyes and rolling his head from side to side. “We already got the check and paid it, but I’m just gonna sit here for a little longer and digest. Goddamn.”
Weinberg started his debauchery by immersing himself in a focaccia topped with a stewed, shredded asado as well as onions, basil, and salt. The moans of pleasure issuing from him brought a smile to his companion’s face, who recognized the vocalizations from other contexts. As Weinberg rubbed his stomach and dabbed at his lips, the main course arrived: he shared a 500-gram prime rib steak with his dining partner, which came with perfectly-season mashed potatoes and fried onions.
They also shared a bottle of cabernet sauvignon.
Every bite of the steak caused Weinberg to close his eyes and rock his head back and forth, in near-rapture. “Oh, my GOD,” he exclaimed at least four times. Witnesses also counted three “Yum. Yes. Yum.” occurrences, two “That’s what I’m talking about” utterances, and one each of “Hell yeah,” “My goodness,” “This is DA BOMB,” and “Uh HUH,” in addition to repeated moans and groans of ecstasy reminiscent of either a newlywed bedroom or a Revival church service.
Religious authorities acknowledged that Weinberg’s immersion in the experience does not, technically, rise to the threshold of idolatry. “He doesn’t surrender his sense of purpose, identity, or conscience to it,” conceded Rabbi Menahem Mendel Goldman, a neighborhood congregation leader. “He’s still got an independent sense of self, and isn’t surrendering himself to a different master, but boy, is he skirt steak- I mean, skirting dangerous ly close to enslaving himself to those base desires.”
“Goddamn, though,” he admitted, “that prime rib. Wowee.”
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