PreOccupied Territory The News In Advance. Barely.

The medical care could not be altruistic, since “this is Israel we’re talking about.” Gush Etzion Crossing, February 6 – Israeli soldiers instigate cardiac arrest in vulnerable Palestinians for purposes of treating them and looking good as a result, human rights ...

“It’s not unprecedented to undo thousands of years of doctrine with the stroke of a pen,” remarked religion scholar Pete O’Filia. Abu Dhabi, February 7 – The head of the Roman Catholic Church slapped his forehead in a moment of ...

Palestinian envoy to the United Nations Riyad Mansour told reporters he would request that his Arab colleagues at the organization draft a Security Council resolution reaffirming every Palestinian as the real Slim Shady. Ramallah, February 6 – Police broke up ...

“Being an aggregator and posing as something original isn’t even original,” he added. “Tzipi Livni did it first.” Tel Aviv, February 5 – Tech analysts examining the composition of Israel’s most attention-grabbing political entity discovered today that the party produces ...

“It’s like telling us we can’t eat junk food and then chowing down on a bowl of Doritos,” insisted the oldest, 12. Modiin, February 4 – Children of the man who oversees Israel’s clandestine projects to control temperature, winds, precipitation, ...

“Never let it be said that Congresswoman Tlaib’s hands are soiled with such dirty money.” Ypsilanti, MI, January 30 – A first-term congresswoman has pledged to return a campaign contribution from a party stalwart following an investigation into the giver’s ...

“‘Learn to code’ can only serve to destroy Palestinian self-esteem, similar to the anticipated effect it will have on ex-Buzzfeed personnel.” Tel Aviv, January 31 – Human rights organizations slammed Israel’s military this week upon learning that the IDF has printed on ...

By Jack Straw, scarecrow Popular culture has given rise to the misconception that as I am a person of straw, that material accounts for all the contents of my stuffing, but the real figure seldom gets higher than one twenty-fifth ...

The long-term implications of the discovery remain unclear. Jerusalem, January 29 – Scandal gripped the ultra-orthodox world this week following a discovery that the celestial beings who serve as the subject of many conceptual inquiries perform gavottes, horas, and other rhythmic ...

“Our teachers will be free to discuss the German-led extermination of Jews in Europe, provided they phrase their lessons to imply that the Nazis had no choice but to kill all the Jews threatening to overrun Birkenau, Belsen, Mauthausen, and Sobibor, for ...