Balaam was seen administering an ass-whipping or two when his beast refused to comply with his wishes.
Qiryat Hutzot, July 7 – The Aramean prophet Balaam, son of Be’or, has been making pronouncements from his ass, witnesses have stated.
Two young assistants to the seer-sorcerer reported today (Friday) that Balaam could be heard pontificating atop his ass on the way to a rendezvous with King Balak of Moab. The two lads, who declined to be identified my name, recalled that their boss had an encounter on the road that threw him into a fit or violent rage, and with him in that state they heard him make several pronouncements from his ass.
“He was riding someone’s ass pretty hard,” attested one. “He wasn’t pleased. Let me tell you, you don’t want to get on Balaam’s bad side when he’s angry. He knows just the moment of the day to invoke divine wrath and have it wreak destruction of all sorts. My colleague and I,” he gestured to the other squire, “are giving him a wide berth. We’re steering clear of his ass.”
“Oh, dat ass,” concurred his fellow, nodding. “I know he wants to get his ass to Moab in a hurry, but he better calm his ass down if he wants to get there safely. The road is a dangerous place. He’ll end up with his ass in a sling if he isn’t more careful about where he rides it.”
The boys noted that already, Balaam was seen administering an ass-whipping or two when his beast refused to comply with his wishes. “He went ballistic on his ass,” observed the first. “It was quite a site. We’re going to have to pretend we didn’t see his ass when that was happening, because, man, awkward. To save his ass from the shame of being seen under those circumstances he might want us killed.”
“I don’t know why he can’t just move his ass,” retorted the first squire. “We have somewhere to get already. They’re not paying him by the hour – he’s in this for the glory and the job well done. In his place I’d get my ass in there, do the job, and get my ass out. Lord knows why he’s messing around with his ass over there.”
“The poor creature,” remarked his partner. “When Balaam promised us a kick-ass experience serving as his apprentices, I didn’t realize this is what he meant. I don’t know what he’ll do to me if I say anything, but we need to get his sorry ass out of this situation.”
“Oh, great, now he’s got the animal turned around the wrong way,” sighed the first. “Everything here is ass-backwards.”
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