Biggest Celebrity Local BDS Rally Can Find Is Ned Ryerson

“If I remember correctly he said something about seeing an opportunity and going for it like a tiger.”

Pittsburgh, February 2 – An joint event with several pro-Palestinian activist groups has managed to secure the participation of a figure of at least some renown, organizers disclosed today, in this case a Punxsutawney-area insurance salesman who they hope will wow attendees and inspire them to action with his whistling belly-button trick.

Jewish Voice for Peace, Students for Justice in Palestine, and several other organizations teamed up for a demonstration this evening at the University of Pittsburgh to protest Israel’s treatment of Palestinians, and to encourage a boycott of Israeli institutions, companies, and figures. SJP chapter president Mustafa Fadiha acknowledged to journalists that he encountered some difficulty lining up any big names for the event, a development that he attributed to both the unseasonable cold expected for an outdoor demonstration, plus a suspicion that nefarious Zionist agents have compromised all the potential celebrities who might have considered endorsing the protest. In the end, he reported, they managed to arrange with Ned Ryerson, who grew up in the city, to grace the rally with his unique talent.

“It’s always more successful when you have someone famous up on stage,” explained Fadiha. “Ideally, that would have been someone of the caliber of, say, Roger Waters or Emma Watson, who we know are sympathetic to our cause, but I’ve had trouble getting their attention. They’re very busy, as I understand. We had to set our ambitions a little lower to find someone both available and willing, and, thank goodness, Mr. Ryerson was prepared to drive all the way here from Punxsutawney even though they’ve got the whole annual festival going on there now. He really lit up when I described our program as ‘a doozy.’ I hope he’s everything we’ve been led to expect.”

A call to Mr. Ryerson’s listed number in Punxsutawney had yet to yield contact as of press time.

Fadiha mentioned that in their initial conversation Ryerson seemed eager to take this opportunity. “If I remember correctly he said something about seeing an opportunity and going for it like a tiger, sure as heckfire,” he recalled. “Almost as if he saw this as a chance to accomplish something. Which is fine, as far as we’re concerned. As an activist, it’s always good to have a go-getter on your side. When I said as much, his response was, ‘Bing!’. I like his enthusiasm. For the moment we’re going to hold off on practical considerations such as what a whistling belly button has to offer in terms of freeing Palestine. Right now let’s just bask in the warmth of the gesture.”

Please support our work through Patreon.