“I’m booked solid disrupting a Hillel event. Priorities, you know?”
New York, January 21 – In a masterclass of selective outrage, Columbia University junior Sasha Jabbari declared her unwavering support for Iranian protesters fighting regime oppression—except, of course, on whatever date their rally might inconveniently fall, unlike her round-the-clock commitment to every single pro-Hamas demonstration on campus.
“I’m all in for the Iranian people’s struggle against tyranny,” Jabbari insisted while adjusting her keffiyeh scarf, fresh from a three-hour chant session at a Gaza solidarity encampment. “Women’s rights, freedom from the mullahs—it’s crucial. I’d totally show up with a sign saying ‘Hijab Bans Are Violence’ if it didn’t clash with my vibe. But my schedule? It’s packed tighter than a divestment petition whenever those Persian uprisings pop up.”
Jabbari calendar reveals a stark double standard: blocks of time eternally reserved for “Intifada Workshops,” “BDS Strategy Sessions,” and “Free Palestine Yoga Circles,” where she’s been spotted leading chants of “From the River to the Sea” with the fervor of a convert. For Iranian causes? It’s a ghost town. “Last time there was a call for solidarity with Mahsa Amini protesters, I had a prior: re-watching Salt of the Earth for the umpteenth time to fuel my anti-Zionist rage,” she explained. “And next week? I’m booked solid disrupting a Hillel event. Priorities, you know?”
When pressed on the hypocrisy—how she can muster rabid dedication for Hamas rallies, complete with tent setups, megaphone marathons, and Instagram live-streams decrying “genocide,” while Iranian women facing executions get a mere sympathetic retweet—Jabbari shrugged. “It’s not apathy; it’s curated activism. Hamas stuff? That’s trendy, intersectional, and gets me likes from the right crowd. Iranian protests? They’re complicated—plus, no one’s handing out free falafel at those.”
Campus observers note Jabbari’s transformation: from skipping class to blockade buildings for Palestine, to suddenly developing “chronic Zoom fatigue” when Iranian exiles organize vigils. “I once saw her pull an all-nighter painting ‘Globalize the Intifada’ banners,” said a roommate. “But suggest a Tehran solidarity march? She’s got ‘a paper due’ or ‘needs to recharge her ally batteries.’”
In drafts, Goldfarb has a half-baked post: “Thoughts with Iran, but let’s not forget the real oppressor: Zionist colonialism everywhere except where it’s inconvenient.” At press time, she was brainstorming excuses for the next Iranian rally—perhaps a “decolonizing nap”—while RSVPing “yes” to yet another Hamas-themed teach-in. She has similarly reposted credulous denunciations of the “hundreds of thousands of Gaza genocide victims” – official sources account for perhaps 70,000 dead over two years, about half of them fighters – while expressing skepticism of the tens of thousands dead from Khamenei regime crackdowns in only three weeks.
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