Lacking Jews To Blame, Residents Of Exoplanet Forced To Solve Own Problems

“We’re not blessed the way Earth is with a minority that can be conveniently and universally blamed for all ills.”

Kepler-62f, Lyra constellation, July 24 – The inhabitants of this rocky spheroid in orbit around the star Kepler-62 have been coerced by circumstances into addressing and developing solutions for problems that Earthlings would avoid by accusing the Jews of causing.

Lacking Jews, which evidence indicates exist only on Earth, the Keplerings do not have the luxury of blaming misfortunes on the sinister machinations of some Jewish cabal. As such, said local resident Sane Person, their societies have evolved mechanisms for overcoming challenges that involve directly addressing the contributing factors.

“We’re not blessed the way Earth is with a minority that can be conveniently and universally blamed for all ills,” explained Person, whose planet lies approximately 1,200 light-years from Earth. “We actually have to do something about those problems. Whether it’s crime, the drastic shifts in atmospheric temperature, disease, what have you – our planet just doesn’t have Jews, and never did, so we have to find other ways of functioning when it comes to meeting our challenges.”

Theoretically, say scholars, denizens of Kepler-62f could blame the Jews on distant Earth for their problems. “A rational assessment of whether or not Jews are actually at the root of a given misfortune or problem has seldom been a necessary prerequisite for blaming them,” noted Julian Assange, a thinker who has dabbled in the phenomenon. “But for some reason we have yet to understand, the various sentient societies of that distant world have never gone that route, preferring instead to directly treat the issues that threaten them, and have learned to live with or mitigate the problems that cannot be definitively solved.”

“It’s not to say we can solve all our problems,” added Person. “Far from it. Some things just don’t lend themselves to immediate solutions, or even permanent ones. Some problems just aren’t given to effective solutions, at all, at least not yet. While I can grasp the visceral appeal of having someone to blame for maliciously causing your major difficulties, I can’t see how that would help.”

“I mean, it’s one thing if the party being blamed can or will fix the problem, but is that really what to expect?” she continued. “I haven’t looked into this in any depth, but I rather suspect that when people on Earth blame Jews, it doesn’t actually contribute anything to solving the problem for which they’re blaming Jews in the first place. Are you sure they’re considered an ‘advanced’ civilization over there?”