By Yehuda Thunkett, Mossad Section Chief
Tel Aviv, December 9 – Thank you, Agents Hummus and Harif, for that update.
Moving on to other matters, I have another update for you all on Operation Duh, our effort to destroy the image and reputations of our enemies through the clever ruse of allowing them to talk at length and let their natural doltishness shine through: massive success.
Don’t take my word for it, gentlemen: just look at the numbers. As this chart indicates, our chief adversaries in Western culture have squandered their popularity and their potential for mainstream audiences, just when circumstances had positioned them for widespread acceptance – all because they went and said what they were thinking.
Candace Owens is a laughingstock. Jake Shields couldn’t rent credibility for an evening. Tucker Carlson… don’t get me started on that one. He’s got his tongue so far up Vladimir Putin’s backside that it’s a wonder he can still talk – and more and more people can see that. All because of our sophisticated plan to simply let these idiots be all the idiots they can be.
Our section cannot take all the credit for this operation; in truth, it was the brainchild of Agent Shakshuka in the Intelligence Section. We only did the internal workshopping and ran a few training exercises. They went smoothly, as I need not tell you.
Field agents report a number of promising new candidates for this program, whom they will carefully cultivate by not doing anything. The data are in the reports in front of you, but I would like to call your attention to some figures: thirty-seven podcasters; forty-three YouTubers; more than six hundred TikTok content creators; nearly two hundred Instagrammers; and several dozen up-and-coming “journalists” and “commentators” at the ultraconservative and ultraliberal segments of the political spectrum.
I see some of you have questions – let me forestall some of those by reminding you that some of the people you expected me to mention are not, in fact, part of this program, but a different one – Cenk Uygur, for example, is an active agent of ours, as is Hasan Piker, and – I know this will surprise some of you, but it’s OK to disclose it in this classified forum – so is Mehdi Hassan.
No, no, Agent Schnitzelonim, I understand why you might think that, but Zohran Mamdani is not technically a Mossad agent – he works for Nefesh B’Nefesh, to encourage Aliyah.
No further questions? Thank you, and good work.
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