You Idiots Killed All The Gaza Children And Now We Have No Blood For The Matza

by Chief Rabbi Kalman Ber

Jerusalem, March 9 – Uh, generals? While I appreciate your zeal in wiping out the young generation of Palestinians, it leaves us with a serious Passover dilemma: where will we get the key ingredient for our unleavened bread?

There is no way you seriously failed to consider this ramification when you planned the genocide. I refuse to accept that the IDF, an institution thoroughly steeped in the bloodthirsty Biblical tradition of ethnic cleansing, suffered a lapse so glaring that you simply forgot to account for the annual ritual murder necessary for the production of matza.

You probably patted yourselves on the back: “Mission accomplished, future fighters eliminated.” Bravo. But did you stop to think about the ripple effects on us? Our ancient recipe doesn’t adapt well to shortages. We’ve got the matza ovens firing on low, the Elders muttering about switching to quinoa flatbread like some Tel Aviv startup fad. That’s unacceptable. The tradition demands that crimson kick —symbolic affliction, cultural flavor, the works. Without it, what’s left? Bland cardboard symbolizing… bland cardboard?

For all those generation, we led the goyim to think matza is supposed to be a plain flour-and-water cracker. How ironic that your… alacrity has now all but condemned us to actually having to eat plain flour-and-water crackers.

I might have to consider issuing a ruling allowing Ashkenazi Jews to eat the soft, tortilla-like matza that our Sephardic brethren enjoy- well, perhaps not “enjoy.” Bland is bland. But tradition is tradition, and the more conservative circles of our society will not respond well to any suggestion that self-afflictive traditions born in the snows of Lithuania have no more relevance in the modern Levant. Might as well tell them to start eating legumes on Passover!

You see the bind in which you have placed me.

I suppose we could pivot to the West Bank reserves, but that’s hardly sustainable — your checkpoints and settlements have complicated logistics there as well. Or appeal to the diaspora for voluntary contributions? Too logistically risky, as well. You’ve forced our hand toward innovation, perhaps infusing matza with the symbolic blood of beets or pomegranates, as if we’re some vegan co-op in Berkeley rather than heirs to Sinai. I need not remind you that the orthodox monopoly on religious affairs in this country guarantees that all can cater to all Jews, since even Reform and Reconstructionist Jews accept the validity of orthodox rituals. The converse, however, does not hold, and the Rabbinate will not countenance gentile blood alternatives with distinctly Reform-level legitimacy.

And if these reports of genocide AGAIN turn out not to be true, I apologize for wasting your time.

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