Israel To Force Released Prisoners To Thank Them For Screening Of Last 3 Star Wars Films

The statement will also include the assertion that Episodes 7-9 are superior to 1-3.

Ofer Prison, May 4 – Taking a page from the Hamas public relations playbook, the next exchange of incarcerated Palestinians as part any upcoming hostage deal will feature a public ceremony in which the soon-to-be-free men will, with armed guards standing over them, voice gratitude for the times that their jailers sat them in front of repeated showings of the final trilogy of the Skywalker family saga. The report came from sources within Israel’s Ministry of Defense.

According to the officials, the move comes as a response to the Islamist terrorist movement that governs the Gaza Strip, which held degrading “thank you” events starring Israeli hostages forced to make groveling statements to their “hosts” and given parting “gifts.”

“It had to be something just as harsh, perhaps harsher, but not strictly defined as a war crime,” explained one official. “What Hamas did was without question a crime against humanity and a war crime, but the international community doesn’t care what Hamas does. We, for better or for worse, have to maintain a higher standard than our enemies do. Our legal department spent months developing a retaliatory method that matches the sadism of the original act without falling afoul of any statutes in the Laws Of Armed Conflict and the Geneva Conventions.”

Hamas representatives and human rights activists decried the reports. “Anything less than immediate Israeli acquiescence to complete domination and enslavement to Islamist Palestinians is a war crime,” explained Human Rights Watch Director Federico Borello.

Amnesty International confirmed the assessment. “The fact of the actual showings of those atrocities to the prisoners may be appalling, but that’s not going to change what we say except in the details,” admitted Agnes Callamard.

Sources within Hamas echoed that characterization but also hinted at a softened position on the remaining Israeli hostages still in its hands. “Our brothers behind Zionist bars are suffering,” lamented Mousa Abu Marzouk. “We must take the necessary steps to spare them from further suffering, however much we have urged them to persevere in the face of challenges. ‘The Rise of Skywalker’ alone could break a stronger man than I. There’s no telling what having to sit through both of the other sequels will do to our heroes, let alone if they are forced to watch them repeatedly.”

The Ministry of Defense sources also disclosed that as a backup plan, the inmates could be forced to watch the 1980’s sitcom Small Wonder.

Please support – our work through Patreon.
Buy In The Biblical Sense: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B92QYWSL