We Wasted Precious Cuban Resources On That Hasan Piker Idiot?

By Raúl Uribe, Deputy Minister of Ideological Facepalms

Havana, June 2 – As I sit here in my modestly appointed office — well, modestly appointed by the standards of actual revolutionaries who don’t fly first class to “expose imperialism” — I find myself asking the question every loyal cadre is whispering in the ration lines: Why, in the name of Che’s asthmatic ghost, did we roll out the red carpet for Hasan Piker?

We diverted fuel we don’t have. We assigned translators we can’t spare. We even let the man film his “solidarity” content from a hotel that hasn’t had reliable hot water since the Special Period. And for what? So he could lecture the world about Cuban resilience while complaining that our internet was too slow for his 4K streams? Comrades, we have been played for tontos útiles by a man who thinks wearing a Guevara shirt and owning a $500 mechanical keyboard makes him a vanguard of the proletariat.

The indications were there all along. The man makes millions “fighting capitalism” from a gaming setup that could power a small sugarcane cooperative. He calls himself a socialist while living better than 99% of actual Cuban party members. We saw the clips. We saw the mansions. We saw him crying on stream about how hard it is to be a leftist with a trust fund. And yet, some genius in the Ministry of Tourism said, “This one will be good for the brand.”

Reader, he was not good for the brand.

He called our poverty “authentic resistance” while asking for more ice in his mojito. He praised the ration system in one breath and then quietly inquired about ordering DoorDash to the hotel in the next. Our finest state security minders spent three days explaining why certain neighborhoods weren’t suitable for filming, only for him to frame it all as plucky defiance against Yankee aggression. Meanwhile, back in Los Angeles or Austin or wherever his trust-fund took him this week, his viewers clapped along, donating “solidarity bucks” that mysteriously never made it to our sugar harvest.

Now the internet mocks us. The Yankees laugh. The Europeans post their smug little threads. And here we are, rationing rice, wondering how many pounds of it we could have saved if we’d just invited a slightly less obnoxious Twitch socialist.

From now on, only invite the ones who actually move to Cuba. We’re still waiting on that list.

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