It’s Getting Crowded Here In Hell

by Ismail Haniyeh, yet another assassinated Hamas leader

Hades, September 16 – Not that it was particularly cool around these parts before, but the influx of new residents to the realm of eternal punishment hasn’t helped the temperature any.

Just last week saw dozens of our men ushered here from Gaza, in addition to the crowd of senior Hamas officials joining us from Doha last Tuesday. For all that Satan inaugurated a new section mainly to hold our people more than ten years ago, the space filled up in a hurry, not least because of ISIS – to be fair, the crowded conditions register low on the scale of the things that cause suffering, but enough that we notice.

Sure, it’s not the first thing we notice, but the torment isn’t constant. In those moments between the most severe, excruciating shame that our life choices brought us, juuust long enough for the mind to begin entertaining, in the subconscious, the prospect of relative relief – only to be jolted back into the worst of it in frustration and horror – we notice the other aspects of the suffering, such as watching Mossad beepers blow off our testicles, to be consumed by jackals, over and over again. And the crowded conditions. Among other features of the milieu.

The torments for each of us differ; the personalization of the sentences often necessitates an irregular distribution of implements and space in the available caverns, accenting the crowded, chaotic feeling that is permitted to garnish the pain and humiliation at scattered moments through the endless night of agony that we earned with our lives of power-hungry terrorism. A common theme for us jihadists, nevertheless, remains the one thing we spent our lives attempting to avoid and avenge: shame.

Shame animated our ethos; we could not allow ourselves to be viewed as weak, wrong, bested, or outshone. To that value we sacrificed everything, primarily belonging to others: lives, possessions, dignity, protection, humanity. Naturally, fear of the shame of error prevented us from admitting we needed any course correction or repentance. Repentance? For acting on behalf of what simply HAD to be the will of Allah? Had to, unless you admit the impossible, which is that we were wrong about something.

As it turns out, yes, we were wrong about everything important, and eventually the knowledge of that will spread to all of human awareness, making our shame the ultimate humiliation, the very thing we spent our lives and reputations attempting to negate.

Is it even hotter in here, or is it just me? Could be both.

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