“The case against him is as flimsy and ill-conceived as a cheese tree.”
London, December 3 – A resident of Belsize Park found himself at the wrong end of legal troubles today following his detainment for “the promotion of ethnicity-based animus” that he allegedly perpetrated, authorities said, by hitting the Thumbs Up icon on a social media post about a nostalgic look at tranquil inland bodies of water.
Metropolitan Police spokesman Ben Bim disclosed Wednesday morning that they had arrested Luke Luck, 40, for “Liking” a post on the X platform this past Friday that extolled the “good old days” when various countryside resort areas were cleaner and populated by “a better class of holiday-goer,” which the police interpreted as expressing anti-immigrant sentiment.
“This society will not tolerate such bigotry,” intoned Bim, who for some reason wielded a broom at the podium. “Mr. Luck will soon be charged with a raft of hate crimes, and we hope that others will thus be deterred from similar distasteful acts.”
When a reporter questioned what could be problematic about wanting to enjoy a quiet lakeside getaway, Bim bristled. “Mr. Knox, now, come now, come now, you don’t have to be so dumb now,” he retorted. “Everyone knows what racist sentiment underlies such observations. It’s completely unlike the rhetoric about ‘death to Zionists’ and ‘globalize the Intifada,’ which must be interpreted in the most restrictive sense, and never understood as anti-Jewish or fomenting violence. That would be racist.”
The author of the problematic content posted it from outside the UK, and will not be charged with a crime.
Mr. Luck’s solicitor Joe Crow called the charges a twisted mockery. “My client’s free speech has been trampled,” he accused. “The case against him is as flimsy and ill-conceived as a cheese tree.”
Crow added that the Met Police also wanted to charge Luck with a series of additional crimes involving a duck, a goose, and a poodle but lacked sufficient evidence to do so. “They wanted to harass my client with animal cruelty, as well,” he noted, “but the goo-goose was doing what it does anyway, and there’s nothing cruel about letting a duck lick a lake. It’s Luke’s duck to begin with. And as far as licking the lake himself, my client has every right to lick lakes.”
Police also issued a notice soliciting the public’s assistance in finding a woman known only as “Sue,” whom they described as a potential witness in related case involving illegal gambling on a fight between beetles in a bottle, and construction using bricks and blocks without the proper permits.
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