“These two are ruining it for everyone.”
Tel Aviv, January 20 – In a bombshell development that has left the Israeli media landscape reeling, an inquiry has concluded that two of Haaretz’s approximately 200 writers are not currently receiving direct deposits from the Qatari sovereign wealth fund, a spokesman for the outfit’s publisher disclosed today.
“This is unacceptable,” declared Mitz Zevel, representing Aluf Benn. “Our guidelines are clear. These two staff members will be disciplined, rest assured. This organization has a reputation to maintain, and those two rogues pose a not-insignificant threat to that.”
The shocking findings come hot on the heels of the ever-expanding Qatargate saga, where it seems every other Haaretz byline has been quietly moonlighting as a Doha PR intern. The probe—conducted with the rigor of a falafel stand health inspection—scoured payrolls, expense reports, and suspiciously frequent “fact-finding” trips to the Gulf, only to uncover a tragic duo of holdouts: one weekend culture critic who still thinks Qatar is just a fancy way to spell “catarrh,” and the other a sports desk intern whose biggest foreign connection is a knockoff Qatar Airways tote bag.
“These two are a disgrace to the newsroom,” Zevel continued, pounding his desk for dramatic effect. “While their colleagues have been diligently building bridges with generous Qatari benefactors—complete with complimentary business-class upgrades and ‘research’ stays in five-star souks—these purists have stubbornly refused to cash the checks. One even returned a wire transfer labeled ‘Appreciation for Balanced Coverage.’ Balanced! As if!”
The rest of the approximately 200-strong writing corps (give or take a few anonymous opinion pieces) has reportedly responded with collective eye-rolls and urgent Slack messages demanding “Why wasn’t I informed about the payroll opportunity?” Veteran columnist Chaim Levinson, already let go last fall after his modest NIS 200,000 side hustle with a Qatari-linked firm, issued a statement from his new consulting gig: “I always said integrity was overrated. These two are ruining it for everyone.”
Meanwhile, ex-star Alon Pinkas—whose columns once glowed with the warmth of a Doha’s skyscraper lights while he pocketed hundreds of thousands from lobbyist Jay Footlik—tweeted cryptically: “Journalism is about truth. And truth pays… apparently better than Haaretz’s salary.” He then liked his own post from a yacht.
Social media is ablaze with memes showing the Haaretz logo as a Qatari flag with two tiny sad-face emojis labeled “The Holdouts.” One viral quip: “Haaretz: Where 198 writers are on the take, and the other two are about to get performance-reviewed into oblivion.”
Haaretz management, speaking through a spokesperson who mysteriously acquired a slight Gulf accent mid-sentence, vowed swift action. “We remain committed to fearless, independent journalism,” the rep said. “Just as soon as we update the direct-deposit forms and remind everyone that ethics are optional, but bonuses are not.”
At press time, the two rogue writers were last seen barricaded in the copy room, frantically deleting their Venmo histories and googling “how to survive without foreign funding in Tel Aviv.”
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