Family Obviously Fake Jews Because Haggadah Not Wine-Stained, Wrinkled

“This seems… off.”

Jerusalem, March 23 – Rumors began to circulate today that a couple in the Nachlaot neighborhood who moved there with their young children earlier this year do not, in fact, belong to the tribe – and, some fear, intend to conduct Christian missionary work under the pretense of Hebraic tradition – after visitors to their home discovered that none of the copies of the Passover text bore any of the telltale signs of authentic use: the page or pages right before the festive meal portion of the Seder remain pristine, crumb-free, and smooth.

Shoshana Weissman, who picked her child up at the Green family residence following a playdate, noticed the anomaly and shared her suspicions with her husband Eliezer and her close friend Tal from the apartment across the hallway. “Pesach is coming,” she acknowledged, and the presence of a Haggadah or two out in any Jewish home made sense, “but then I saw that none of the pages were wrinkly. So I looked at both of the copies they had out – simple ones, the kind you use at the Seder table, not the kind with all the commentary – and neither one had a single crumb at Motzi-Matza or Korech. I looked closer and there wasn’t even a wine stain. Not even a spot where the paper got permanently warped from something dripping on it.”

“The Haggadot didn’t look new,” she continued. “So I opened to the Ten Plagues… and again, nothing.” Traditionally, the litany of the ten divine blows against Egypt is accompanied by spilling small drops of wine out of the second of the evening’s four cups, a sign of regret that Pharaoh’s resistance to Israelite liberation necessitated Egyptian suffering. Only rarely does a Haggadah escape a Seder with that page unscathed, as well – especially given the likelihood of someone’s wine spilling at some point.

The absence of any such stains, crumbs, or damage raised Weissman’s hackles: “our community has had its share of evangelical missionaries trying to hoodwink people into their fold,” she explained. “We’re on alert for this kind of thing, and this seems… off.”

At the very least, observed anti-missionary activist Tovia Singer, any genuinely Jewish-used Haggadah will carry dried chunks of charoset on the Maror and Korech page, when bitter herbs are dipped in a paste of chopped apples, nuts, and wine. “It’s extremely unlikely that the books in question have ever seen ac actual Seder,” he remarked. “The community is right to exercise caution, and to investigate further for other concerning signs of non-Jewish character, such as a concerning tidiness and calm in the household an hour before Shabbat.”

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