“I ate the fries. Cold ones, even. That’s how committed I am to understanding your pain.”
Jerusalem, June 18 – Incumbent Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu paid a visit today to a falafel shop in the center of the city this afternoon, eyewitnesses reported, thus demonstrating that despite his wealth and a professional career removed from the tribulations of the regular taxpayer, he appreciates and empathizes with the challenges facing average Israelis who should therefore vote for him and his Likud Party in elections this fall.
“Look at me,” Netanyahu told reporters while holding the paper bag aloft outside the restaurant. “I’m just like you. I too must occasionally wait in line for sustenance that has been assembled by minimum-wage teenagers. This is what real Israelis deal with every day, and I get it. I really get it.”
The carefully staged photo-op, which included Netanyahu dramatically paying with cash instead of his usual American Express Black Card, was intended to counter opposition accusations that the longtime leader is hopelessly out of touch with ordinary citizens struggling with the cost of living.
Political strategist Shlomo “The Fixer” Cohen explained the campaign’s reasoning. “Focus groups showed that people think Bibi only eats sushi flown in from Tokyo and steak at restaurants where the waiters wear gloves. So we said, ‘Let’s show him chomping on a falafel wrap like a regular guy from Petah Tikva.’ Genius, right?”
Eyewitnesses reported that Netanyahu examined the deep-fried chick-pea balls with visible fascination, asking an aide whether the self-service pickled hot peppers on the counter required special Knesset approval. He then posed for selfies with several bewildered customers, promising each of them that under his leadership, the price of a “lafa” would be “tremendous — the best value anywhere.”
Opposition leader Yair Lapid pounced on the moment. “He buys one falafel and suddenly he’s a man of the people? I’ve been eating at Cafe Aroma for years and nobody calls me elitist. Bibi’s idea of ‘fast food’ is probably having his chef reheat leftovers from last night’s state dinner.”
At a subsequent campaign event, Netanyahu doubled down. “I ate the fries. Cold ones, even. That’s how committed I am to understanding your pain. When I’m reelected, every Israeli family will be able to afford french fries — and not the skinny European kind, but the thick American ones. American fries for an American-style economy!”
Aides disclosed planning for the Netanyahu campaign’s next outreach effort: having him personally pump his own gas at a Paz station in a development town, followed by a daring attempt to assemble IKEA furniture without calling in three advisors and a structural engineer.
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