PreOccupied Territory The News In Advance. Barely.

Jerusalem, January 16 – Information leaked from Israeli cabinet intelligence briefings suggests that Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu has engaged a Sicilian mercenary to foment a war between the United States and Iran. Long dismissive of American and other international efforts ...

The Rabbinate’s system, says Ministry spokeswoman Amira L’akum, charged its supervisors with inspecting too many establishments, impairing their ability to adequately supervise any single one. Authorities conducted a raid this morning of the Israeli Rabbinate’s department for supervising and certifying ...

Megiddo, Israel, December 21 (AP) – Following the latest in a long series of abortive global cataclysms, Minister of Apocalypses Mark O’thebiest announced his resignation today, acknowledging ministerial responsibility for the string of non-events. O’thebiest had presided over decades of ministerial ...

Jerusalem (AP) – Upon hearing the news that an eighty-five-year-old man’s heart had stopped beating yesterday, Palestinians and right-wing Israelis burst forth in joy, welcoming the end of life for a person who had been in a vegetative state since ...

Tel Aviv (AP) – Publicity firm JCDecaux was taken aback by the completely unforeseen reaction to an advertising campaign that distorted the images of children to make them look excessively overweight. The company found itself unexpectedly on the defensive after ...

Visitors to the various bureau offices are expected to spend at least 45 minutes waiting before their number is called. Jerusalem, January 8 – A local man went to the licensing bureau office to obtain a necessary document this morning ...

Jerusalem (AP) – Pope Francis announced yesterday that he would be visiting the Holy Land in May of this year, setting off a scramble among Israelis and Palestinians to score propaganda points in their ongoing conflict and to leverage the ...

As a consequence, the area continues to suffer from appalling mismanagement, incitement to violence, soaring unemployment, inadequate sewage, and increased radicalization. Gaza City, Gaza Strip, January 5 – The Gaza Strip was not struck by a massive earthquake that separated ...

New York (AP) – The world was treated for a pulled jaw muscle today after yawning at the car bombing in a Beirut suburb yesterday. Doctors at New York’s Bellevue Hospital reported that that patient was admitted to the ER, ...

New York (AP) – A rapid deterioration of former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon’s condition has journalists scrambling to update their files in case the publication of an obituary becomes necessary in the coming hours or days. Sharon, 85, suffered ...