PreOccupied Territory The News In Advance. Barely.

“We’re flummoxed,” admitted lead researcher Adi Loyada. Jerusalem, February 26 – Researchers at the Weizmann Institute of Science voiced bafflement today at the healthy sales of traditional cookies and pastries in honor of the Purim holiday, noting that no one has ...

Organization executives explained that the incident demonstrated to them his dedication to suppressing coverage of his sexual escapades. Timnah, February 19 – A leading consortium of charities dedicated to fighting poverty in the developing world offered a high-ranking position to ...

They threatened anyone who gives the coins with violence, excommunication, and a boycott by all other families of their children in marriage. Wilderness of Sinai, February 13 – Ultra-orthodox members of the Israelite people withheld their half-shekel coins this week, ...

Speechwriters for prominent Palestinian officials have been instructed to append the menacing word “Talmudic” to various nouns associated with Israel. Jerusalem, February 7 – Diminishing returns on terminology on which Palestinian activists once relied to provoke outrage in the Muslim ...

He has for years sought to develop a thesis that would allow him to dismiss or taint the source so as not to be forced to acknowledge a positive role for something with a religious pedigree. Tel Aviv, January 31 ...

“No human phenomenon is visible from space, at least not at this point in world history.” Memphis, January 24 – Credulous inhabitants of Pharaoh’s kingdom continue to maintain that the dramatic departure of the Israelite slave population from the country ...

Foul play has not been disproved. Heaven, January 18 – Supernal sources are reporting that the winged, angelic beings of this realm keep crashing into the pristine glass windows after assuming nothing is there. Archangel Raphael, who oversees medical affairs, ...

“Compared to the evidence for a workable Two-State Solution, the idea that the Rebbe is Moshiach is a slam dunk.” Crown Heights, January 10 – Adherents of the belief that the late Rebbe of the Lubavitch Hasidic movement did not, in fact, ...

The situation isn’t going to improve just because people are resetting their calendars. Eden, January 2 – Heavenly sources reported this evening that the Creator and Ruler of the Universe has issued numerous guffaws over your baseless assumption that the ...

Assuming it does will only result in prolonged unnecessary suffering for everyone involved. Jerusalem, January 1 – Talmud scholars rushed to issue a proviso to a famous teaching today, warning that while most people are encouraged to view the universe ...