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Rabbis Ban Raisins From Cookies; ‘An Abomination’

Rabbis Ban Raisins From Cookies; ‘An Abomination’

Bnei Brak, Israel, February 21 – Prominent Orthodox and Haredi (“ultra-orthodox”) Rabbis reacted today to what they called a worrisome trend among bakers, and issued an unequivocal ruling against the use of raisins as an ingredient in cookies. They called ...

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Bible Critic Casts Doubt On Authorship Of Traffic Ticket

Bible Critic Casts Doubt On Authorship Of Traffic Ticket

He claims the ticket should therefore be invalidated and any penalties and fines canceled. Cambridge, MA, February 16 – Gordon L. Meriwether, a professor of Semitic languages at Harvard Divinity School, is contesting the origin of a speeding ticket issued ...

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Chabad House of Mecca To Close

Chabad House of Mecca To Close

Mecca, Saudi Arabia, January 31 – The joke remains relevant, but poignantly less so now: you might find Coca-Cola in the holy city of Mecca, but you will no longer find a Chabad shaliach. After three years of keeping the ...

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Saudi Arabia Outlaws Women

Saudi Arabia Outlaws Women

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, January 29 – The Saudi government announced today it will outlaw women, calling them a threat to the moral fabric of society. As of February 1, anyone in possession of a woman will face fines or imprisonment, ...

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Isaiah To Settle for Wolves Lying Down With Other Wolves

Isaiah To Settle for Wolves Lying Down With Other Wolves

Jerusalem, January 20 – The eighth-century-BCE Israelite prophet Isaiah has revised his vision for the End of Days in keeping with societal trends and projected developments, downgrading his lofty expectations several notches. In his epic, poetic description of a time ...

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Raid Of Kashrut Dept. Finds No Evidence Of Competence, Credibility

Raid Of Kashrut Dept. Finds No Evidence Of Competence, Credibility

The Rabbinate’s system, says Ministry spokeswoman Amira L’akum, charged its supervisors with inspecting too many establishments, impairing their ability to adequately supervise any single one. Authorities conducted a raid this morning of the Israeli Rabbinate’s department for supervising and certifying ...

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String of Failures Forces Minister of Apocalypses to Resign

String of Failures Forces Minister of Apocalypses to Resign

Megiddo, Israel, December 21 (AP) – Following the latest in a long series of abortive global cataclysms, Minister of Apocalypses Mark O’thebiest announced his resignation today, acknowledging ministerial responsibility for the string of non-events. O’thebiest had presided over decades of ministerial ...

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Race To Politicize Pope’s Mideast Visit Begins

Race To Politicize Pope’s Mideast Visit Begins

Jerusalem (AP) – Pope Francis announced yesterday that he would be visiting the Holy Land in May of this year, setting off a scramble among Israelis and Palestinians to score propaganda points in their ongoing conflict and to leverage the ...

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