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New Solar Energy Technology Uses Glare From Bald Men’s Heads

100,000 bald men wearing these devices and spending at least six hours per week in sunlight can sustain 800 kWh of consumption.

baldRechovot, November 15 – Weizmann Institute of Science researchers have developed a method to reduce dependence on fossil fuels by harnessing the solar energy that gets reflected off the scalps of hairless men, a spokesman for the team announced today.

Professor Akiva Korah of the physics department at Weizmann told reporters at a press conference that his team had produced and successfully tested a system that absorbs the sun’s rays as they bounce off the shiny pates of adult males. With the new technology on enough heads, he predicted, Israel could boost its electricity production by renewable means and thus introduce savings of hundreds of millions of shekels per year.

“A hundred thousand bald men wearing these devices and spending at least six hours per week in sunlight can sustain eight hundred kilowatt hours of consumption,” estimated Korah. “With the country’s annual electricity consumption at approximately 6,600 kWh as of 2014, that figure represents a significant contribution to the economy an environment.”

The system, which uses a technology called the Binary Absorption Light Diode (BALD), takes up slightly more space than a baseball cap, and experts believe a government-sponsored incentive program could convince enough men to begin wearing one and spending the requisite number of hours in sunlight.

“Generally, the biggest concern bald men have with sunlight is not getting sunburned,” explained physicist Dr. Colin Mochrie of the University of Toronto, who was not involved in the research. “Dermatological issues will still need to be resolved, but those can be addressed with protective lotions and the like. BALD turns the usual disadvantage of baldness into an asset. Men with male-pattern baldness like to joke that they save their testosterone for more important functions, or that baldness actually makes them sexier, but let’s face it: as Dave Barry once wrote, the only people who look more attractive bald are Yul Brynner and that guy from The Magnificent Seven- no, wait, that was also Yul Brynner.”

“The being the case, it can only improve things for bald men to be wearing this BALD technology,” he continued. “It’s not the most stylish-looking thing in the world, at least with the device in its current size and shape. But you don’t see too many balding or bald men as fashion models as it is, so what do we have to lose? This way, at least, we can put some truth to the line that our baldness indicates we’re using what we’ve got – or haven’t got, in this case – for something more important.”

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