Parents Spent Awful Lot Of Money For Daughter To Still Have Nothing To Wear

“Did those new clothes disappear?”

Jerusalem, June 6 – A local couple voiced puzzlement today at the fact that they have, over the last three months, parted with upwards of six hundred shekels to procure garments, footwear, and accessories for their thirteen-year-old, resulting in a sartorial excess that her closet, shelves, and drawers cannot contain, but the middle-schooler nevertheless continues to express her frustration that she suffers an appalling lack of clothing.

Naamah and Yedidya Strauss, parents to four children, disclosed to family and friends Thursday that their teenage daughter Shahar has complained at least eight times in April and May  alone that she has “absolutely nothing to wear,” despite four documented outings in the company of said teenage daughter during the same period for the purpose of augmenting the poor child’s deplorable paucity of clothing, outings that totaled an outlay exceeding the equivalent of almost two hundred American dollars.

“We’re confused,” admitted Shahar’s parents. “There must have been four, maybe five, shopping trips recently, each of which we made because Shahar lamented her scarce clothing. Well, I know she gets first crack at the bags and bags of hand-me-downs we get from her older cousins, so I was a little dubious, but she insisted she didn’t have anything to wear, so out we went. Did those new clothes disappear?”

“I wasn’t present for those shopping trips,” confessed Yedidya. “Naamah is much better at this stuff than I. But I do know that every time I go into my daughter’s bedroom, there are clothes positively pouring out of her closet and shelves. When I ask her about the apparent inconsistency, the best answer I get is along the lines of ‘I only wear those in the house,’ ‘Those belong to [younger sister] Abby,’ or ‘But you never buy me the clothes I REALLY wanted.’ It’s difficult to maintain a coherent picture of the situation.”

Abby made statements at odds with her older sister’s assertions. “What? Those aren’t mine,” she insisted. “That’s just what Shahar says when she doesn’t want to be responsible for something. If there’s dirty laundry on the floor, she’ll say it’s mine even if it’s all hers. If there’s clean laundry waiting to be put away, she’ll say it’s mine so she won’t have to. I’m not surprised she also uses that excuse for clothes in her own closet as well.”

Shahar was unavailable for comment, but remarks overheard by other siblings and acquaintances supported rumors that she intends to remedy her lack of wearable clothes by liberating several items from her mother’s wardrobe, because, let’s be honest, stylish stuff is wasted on Mom.

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