Plastic Bag Law Takes Effect; Environment Saved Forever

Politicians can now move on to other important matters, such as whether or not the prime minster ordering a suit from a tailor means he is detached from the people.

Jerusalem, January 1 – As of today, Israeli supermarkets will be required by law to charge customers 10 agorot for each plastic bag they use at checkout, a move that ecology advocates say will bring the battle for a clean environment to a successful conclusion.

The law, passed late last year, attempts to discourage shoppers from profligate use of plastic shopping bags by charging them a tenth of a shekel – equivalent to about three cents – per bag supplied by the seller. Instead, consumers are encouraged to bring their own reusable bags to the store, bags that cost far more to produce than the thousands of plastic ones they are supposed to replace, resulting in the consumption of comparatively greater quantities of fossil fuels and adding hassle to an already-stressful grocery-shopping experience. Thus, argue advocates, the fight for a better environment has been won.

“We’re gratified that this top-down measure to impose a solution in the consumer and retailers is going into effect,” declared Loro Emmi-Metter, a Greenpeace activist. “Disposable plastic bags are the top environmental issue of our time, with an impact far outstripping carbon emissions, ozone depletion, soil erosion, sewage management, and air pollution. The public must be grateful for our efforts, and for the fact that we have essentially solved the most pressing ecological concern of all. No longer must we worry about those bags taking up valuable landfill space.” Landfills currently occupy a minuscule amount of otherwise useless land, and the share of plastic shopping bags in landfill volume remains infinitesimal. Many plastic bags reach landfills only after being reused at least once. The law applies only to bags from supermarkets, leaving only the tiny niches of pharmacies, neighborhood groceries, and the hundreds of thousands of small shops that routinely supply such bags to their customers with each purchase.

Politicians bragged about the achievement the law represents, asserting that it frees them to move on to other important matters, such as whether or not the prime minster ordering a suit from a tailor means he is detached from the people.

“This monkey is off our back,” pronounced Yoel Hasson of the Zionist Union, an Opposition faction. “I would like to thank all the lobbyists and lawmakers who worked tirelessly to push this through. Now we can pursue other worthy initiatives. We can start with looking for new reasons to call for a criminal investigation of Netanyahu. Have we tried to suggest he is implicated in Russian hacking of the American presidential election? Because we should totally do that.”

Consumers, meanwhile, spent much of Sunday digging through their closets and cabinets to find vinyl or cloth bags to take to the supermarket, adding an average of twenty minutes to each shopping trip and costing the economy eighty million shekels.

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