“Soon, the wokest hot take on any development won’t just be the province of Slate, Vox, or Jezebel.”
Tel Aviv, September 19 – Engineers and physicists working on a joint project between Tel Aviv University and the research departments of several communications companies have created the most powerful virtue-signaling equipment to date, which they claim is capable of conveying a user’s ideological and political moral superiority at more than three times the distance and intensity of existing methods.
A representative of the team announced the achievement this morning (Tuesday), at a press conference enabled by the device. “Thanks to the Wokie-Talkie, as we’re calling it, we knew to hold this event at a makeshift community center for African migrants in South Tel Aviv,” boasted Dr. Piyelef Yoter-Progressivi. “Without the Wokie-Talkie, that never would have occurred to us. Thanks to our device, woke folks can demonstrate their more-progressive-than-thou social conscience with a force not possible before.”
Dr. Yoter-Progressivi contrasted the sorry state of sensitivity of only eighteen years ago with what the device now makes possible. “In 1999 it took a special kind of progressive attitude, ear, and eye to spot racism or other forms of oppression,” she recalled. “It took quite some effort to get the world to react negatively to when a staffer in the DC Mayor’s office used the word ‘niggardly,’ since the word bears no relation to the n-word. Remember that? Well, the Wokie-Talkie has sensors that detect such utterances or images from three hundred kilometers away, and immediately produces an outraged press release and tweet.”
The researchers hope to market the device as a standalone, and later as an app for smartphones. “Soon, the wokest hot take on any development won’t just be the province of Slate, Vox, or Jezebel,” she predicted. “Every college sophomore will be able to generate righteous outrage that conservatives are admitted to the institution at all, let alone form any clubs. The Wokie-Talkie will enable everyone, not just the coastal commentators, to explain how some beloved cultural phenomenon or critical everyday activity is actually racist or supports oppression.”
The communications companies involved will license production of the Wokie-Talkie in Chinese sweatshops, which will subcontract to North Korean sweatshops, whose revenue will be appropriated by the regime of Kim Jong-un and used in anti-Western propaganda that will in turn be invoked by progressives to argue that the repressive, murderous, racist, ethno-supremacist dictatorships of the world have superior societies to that of the US because they appear to have fewer incidents of Muslims being made to feel bad by non-Muslims.
Please support our work through Patreon.