“Someone needs to be gassed over this.”
Augusta, June 15 – The Democratic Party’s nominee for the US Senate confessed his befuddlement today upon the arrival of sleeveless undershirts, having wrongly assumed that the items’ colloquial name evoking domestic violence does not, in fact, provide said violence.
Aides to candidate Graham Platner reported that he exclaimed, “What the f*** is this?’ when he opened the package from Amazon. “How is anyone supposed to beat a wife with this?”
Platner then spent several minutes scouring the box and other packaging materials for instructions on using the undershirts for the purpose implied in their name, to no avail.
“This is goddamn fraud!” he spat, and, grabbing a female staff member by the arm a little to hard, ordered her to call an attorney.
Campaign staffers attempted to calm the oyster farmer and former Marine by explaining that “wife-beater” is merely slang for the ribbed tank tops popular among working-class Mainers who haul traps and shuck bivalves for a living. Platner, still visibly agitated, reportedly replied, “Then why don’t they just call them ‘summer tanks’ or ‘a-shirts’ like a normal person? I got enough problems without false advertising. Someone needs to be gassed over this.”
Sources close to the campaign say the episode is the latest in a string of wardrobe-related headaches for the candidate, whose chest once featured a prominent skull-and-bones tattoo enthusiasts described as “Totenkopf-adjacent.” Platner has maintained he got the ink as a “badass” Marine without realizing its Nazi SS connotations and later covered it up, much like his Reddit-era posts calling sexual assault victims to “take some responsibility” and suggesting they “act like an adult for f–cks sake.”
One aide, speaking on condition of anonymity because they feared being locked in a room, tried steering the conversation toward policy. “Senator Collins wants to talk about housing costs and endless wars,” the staffer ventured. Platner allegedly shot back, “Yeah, well, I fought in those pointless wars, and now I’m farming oysters like a real communist. ACAB, by the way. Should I have gotten these wife-beaters in gray?”
Democratic strategists expressed private exasperation. “We knew the guy had baggage,” said one party insider. “Reddit rants, homophobic slurs, praising October 7 tactics in old comments, the whole nine yards. But we figured Maine voters would overlook a little domestic volatility for a genuine working-class hero who owns part of an island oyster farm with an elite boarding-school partner.
Platner, meanwhile, emerged from the campaign office wearing one of the offending garments, flexing for reporters. “See? Perfect for a 100% disabled vet who dives for moorings and fights the billionaires,” he declared. “If Susan Collins had any balls, she’d try one on.” When asked if the shirt order reflected deeper issues, Platner shrugged. “Look, I’ve grown. I don’t blame victims anymore — unless they get too messed up and wind up in a compromising situation with a guy who just wanted to beat the heat.” He then instructed aides to order more, this time specifying “extra large, with reinforced seams for when things get… volatile.”
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