“This will be an even bigger success than the tariffs.”
Tehran, June 17 – The Islamic Republic of Iran announced today that as part of the emerging agreement to end hostilities with the US, the contract to handle the installation and use of auto-payment technology from ships passing in and out of the Persian Gulf – payments that Iran announced earlier this week it will impose on all such maritime traffic – has been granted to a new firm under the control of Jared Kushner, the American president’s son-in-law.
Officials representing Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei made the announcement in a video message posted online, in an uncharacteristically positive tone; to date, animosity and threats have characterized official IRGC rhetoric about the the West, the US, Israel, and specifically Donald Trump.
“The Great Satan has become the Great Toll Collector,” said a spokesman for the Revolutionary Guard. “We were going to impose a toll anyway. Why not let the professionals handle it? Plus, Jared Kushner helped negotiate the branding rights.”
Under the agreement, all vessels transiting the narrow chokepoint will be required to affix a Trump-branded transponder to their hull. Failure to do so will result in a “very unfair” fine, payable in either U.S. dollars, barrels of oil, or Bitcoin. Early reports indicate the transponders will feature a gold-plated finish and play “You’re Fired!” when scanned.
“This is a tremendous deal, the best deal,” said Donald Trump Jr. from the deck of a superyacht flying both the American and Iranian flags. “The Iranians came to us and said, ‘Nobody does tolls like the Trumps.’ We’re bringing EZ-Pass technology to the most important waterway in the world. Tankers, warships, fishing boats — everybody’s gonna pay. Beautiful revenue stream. Huge.”
White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt called the arrangement “completely normal” and “very legal.” She added, “President Trump has always said that if other countries want to charge us, we should at least get a piece of the action. This is America First — tolls first, actually. This will be an even bigger success than the tariffs.”
Reports also circulated that Hunter Biden had placed a bid with the mullahs for the same contract, including an offer of artwork he created. Sources within official Iranian circles declined to comment on those reports; however, an account associated with Israel’s intelligence agency Mossad offered details of verbal exchanges within senior IRGC ranks wondering why the junior Mr. Biden presumed to think he had anything to offer them when his father no longer holds political office and can make no policy.
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