Embassy Move Causes Typhoons, Earthquakes, Nuclear Holocaust In Some Other Possible Universe

“I don’t want to be the guy who says I told you so, but I told you so,” stated a grim-faced John Kerry.

Dimension Theta Omicron, May 16 – Massive tectonic cataclysm, powerful storms, and atomic explosions rocked this version of plant Earth today following the official transfer of the United States Embassy to Israel’s declared capital, making manifest the most dire predictions of the move’s consequences, albeit in a different universe from the one in which the transfer took place.

Explosions two hundred times more powerful than the blast that destroyed much of Hiroshima erupted across the Earth orbiting this alternative universe, as a direct consequence of the embassy move. Tremors beyond the measure of the Richter scale tore up the crust of this Earth and laid waste to civilization, as tidal waves, lightning storms, and unprecedented amounts of precipitation washed away the remains. Pundits had warned for years of the destructive impact of American recognition of Jerusalem as Israel’s capital and of placing the embassy there, and the current wave of devastation bore out their warnings, even if the destruction is taking place in a dimension inaccessible and irrelevant to the inhabitants of the Earth in which the predictions were issued.

“I don’t want to be the guy who says I told you so, but I told you so,” stated a grim-faced John Kerry. “Trump’s decision to move the embassy, and to upend seven decades of American foreign policy on the Middle East is having exactly the negative outcome against which right-thinking experts have cautioned, even if the details differ in terms of the universe in which those consequences are unfolding. It’s unclear how many lives have been lost as a result of these developments, but we don’t need exact numbers to characterize this as a disaster.”

Numerous experts argued against the embassy move, saying it prejudices the outcome of the contested city’s status in anticipated negotiations between Israel and the Palestinians, and that breaking with international consensus on the issue would set off explosive reactions in Arab and Muslim streets. While the expected upheaval has not materialized in this universe, in Theta Omicron it has brought an effective end to earthly society, and organized culture may never again develop there as a result.

“I would argue this is an even worse outcome than any of us predicted, and that just goes to show how irresponsible Trump’s administration has been on this and many other issues,” declared Jeremy Corbyn, leader of Britain’s Labour Party. “The only way to remedy this devastation is to remove Israel’s defenses and invite everyone else in the region to wreak similar devastation on the Jews. That should make everything better.”

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