PreOccupied Territory The News In Advance. Barely.

“Oh, no, I haven’t made a single anti-Israel or anti-Jew Instagram post,” fretted McKayla Murphy, 21. Paris, January 23 – Women aspiring to land prominent roles in representing manufacturers of beauty products rushed to update their resumés this week after ...

The Tamimi clan has yet to offer a formal response; the couple was too busy fielding expressions of support for cousin Ahlam, accomplice to the slaughter of 15 people in a 2001 bombing. Tel Aviv, January 23 – A prominent Palestinian-American activist who styles ...

In the interest of free speech, members of the rival organization Hamas will be barred from attending. Ramallah, January 22 – Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas completed thirteen years of his four-year term as president two weeks ago, and will pay ...

Officials declined to elaborate on the mechanism by which American youth have been made to think ingesting poisonous soap is an acceptable pastime. Tel Aviv, January 22 – Section heads at Israel’s secret intelligence organization shared congratulatory handshakes and plaudits ...

By Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian Authority; President, State of Palestine; Chairman, Fatah; Chairman, Palestine Liberation Organization As a devout Muslim I have always maintained that any model of the universe with the sun at the center of our planetary system ...

Foul play has not been disproved. Heaven, January 18 – Supernal sources are reporting that the winged, angelic beings of this realm keep crashing into the pristine glass windows after assuming nothing is there. Archangel Raphael, who oversees medical affairs, ...

“We monitor our customer satisfaction metrics all the time to ensure we’re not letting anyone outside our circle of cronies experience any.” Jerusalem, January 18 – A company that charged your account far in excess of what you owed them ...

“Google Plus is relevant, hip, and used by Americans and Russian trolls alike.  It’s really the cat’s pajamas.” By Danny Nash, correspondent Washington, January 17 – Representatives of tech giant Google maintained a vigil outside lawmakers’ offices today in a ...

The prime minister called talk of his supposed inability to conduct the business of the state a naan-issue. Jerusalem, January 17 – Political adversaries of the prime minister took to the media today to denounce him for using a trip ...

“Our crops will suffer otherwise.” Amman, January 16 – Popular discontent at a longstanding peace agreement with Israel has residents of the Hashemite kingdom calling for the country’s ambassador to be withdrawn from the Jewish State, hopefully carrying some drinkable ...