Bennett’s Security Detail Relaxes In Knowledge No One Would Bother Assassinating Him

“The main concern with our work right now is letting our skills or procedures get rusty.”

Ra’anana, June 21 – The bodyguards of Israel’s prime minister acknowledged today that their job has become less stressful in recent months with the realization that few, if any, entities see harming such an impotent, unpopular, undistinguished leader as worth the effort.

Members of the security team assigned to Naftali Bennett, his family, and his close associates told reporters that they find their task more relaxing than they have found protecting any other potential targets, since they know the unexciting, beleaguered, and eminently forgettable figure of Bennett generates so little reaction in Israel’s enemies that none will bother expending the time, resources, or energy necessary to threaten him, let alone assassinate him.

“It’s the easiest detail I’ve ever been assigned to, hands down,” stated a shift commander who identified himself as Amnon. “And I’ve had some peach assignments. The main concern with our work right now is letting our skills or procedures get rusty, because the next person to hold this office will likely be more of a target, and we can’t afford to get complacent. So we have to keep treating our security work as vital, even though everyone knows that as long as this guy is in office, no one’s going to bother.”

“It’s too bad I’m not allowed to fiddle with my phone or read anything while on duty,” lamented a member of Amnon’s shift who called himself Paz. “That’s true no matter whom we’re protecting, obviously, and I’ll be the first to admit there’s no shortage of boring stretches no matter who the subject is. But at least with every other potential target there’s a background level of awareness that at least theoretically, there are people out there who see targeting the subject as a worthwhile endeavor. That background awareness just doesn’t exist here, and it changes the entire psychological picture for the security team. At the very least, it looks good on a resumé, so there’s that.”

The marginal importance of providing Bennett with protection has had an impact on the way in which his security team performs its duties. Other subjects have code names that their security details use as an extra precaution, to prevent unwanted outside parties from easily tracking a potential target’s movements. For example, Binyamin Netanyahu was “Zephyr;” Ehud Olmert was “Baksheesh;” Ariel Sharon was “Pickaxe;” Ehud Barak was “Halogen.” In the case of Naftali Bennett, the security teams refer to him as “Naftali Bennett.”

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