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Betzalel Having Trouble Integrating Nazi-Face-Melting Feature Into Holy Ark

“I told Moses that it’s only thanks to worker-safety protocols that we all haven’t been incinerated.”

HellWilderness of Sinai, May 10 – The chief architect of the Tabernacle reported today that he has encountered numerous difficulties incorporating into the vessel to hold the Tablets of Testimony technology to melt the faces of Nazis when the vessel is opened.

Betzalel, son of Uri of the tribe of Judah, updated Moses today on the progress of his assembly and decorative work to construct an earthly abode for the divine. Betzalel and his colleague Oholiav, son of Ahisamakh of Dan, indicated to their leader that while making an acacia-wood box and covering its exterior and interior with gold proved feasible, they continue to be stymied in getting the system that immolates Nazi visages to be triggered only when Nazis and their allies remove the lid.

During a status meeting this morning on Tabernacle construction, Betzalel and Oholiav reported that the biggest challenge lay in getting the Nazi-sensors to function properly. “I told Moses that it’s only thanks to worker-safety protocols that we all haven’t been incinerated,” a frustrated Betzalel told journalists after he emerged from the meeting. “The Lord provided me with talent in embroidery, carpentry, smithing, engraving, and other important artistic realms, but integrating the Nazi-face-melting mechanism doesn’t fall under any of those categories. Initially it all seemed to simple.”

“At first I thought a simple spring-loaded trigger would do the trick, with a flamethrower activated when the lid is opened,” he recalled. “But then Oholiav pointed out that while none of us would ever be so brazen as to open the Ark, and we might assume only someone thoroughly corrupt and evil – you know, a Nazi – would do so, there might be other circumstances – God might order us to to add to the contents of the Ark, for example, and that would be a disaster. So we need a sophisticated sensor.”

“But that’s a little beyond my pay grade,” he continued. “So we’ve needed to consult with engineers of all sorts, and we might be onto something, but this isn’t going to be easy.” He declined to elaborate on what manner of detection and trigger mechanism holds the key to the feature, or how long it might take to install the feature into the gold-and-wood box in such a way that it would not compromise the Ark’s storage volume.

“All I can tell you is it’s going to have to be safer than that flamethrower mechanism we’ve installed in the Holy of Holies that’s triggered by people entering the Sanctuary with unauthorized incense,” added Oholiav.

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