PreOccupied Territory The News In Advance. Barely.

Washington, DC, June 16 – US President Barack Obama called Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas and Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu today to ask them to hold off on measures to secure the release of three Israeli teenagers kidnapped by Palestinians ...

“They might be imperialist pig-dogs, but they know how to handle rocket defense.” Khan Yunis, Gaza Strip, June 9 – Sallah Odeh grew tired of Hamas rockets falling short of Israel and hitting his neighborhood, so he tried to build ...

Jenin, June 3 – Palestinian gunmen and would-be suicide bombers expressed their frustration today at the British Broadcasting Corporation, which appears to be ignoring every single one of their recent attempts to attack Israelis with lethal force. The BBC has ...

Ofer Prison, near Jerusalem, May 28 – Hamed Abu Ris, 22, burst forth in a flood of incriminating information this morning after being forced to sit through an explanation of the differences between similarly named Talmudic figures. Abu Ris, a ...

Beituniya, May 23 – Analysis of the video footage surrounding the apparent shooting death of a Palestinian youth last week has military experts concluding that the Palestinians have developed a new type of protester, one that emits no blood even ...

Tel Aviv, May 20 – Cuts in allocation from the Ministry of Finance have forced the Ministry of Defense to trim some of its programs, and among the first to go down the drain is the toilet training regime of ...

Tel Aviv, May 13 – After a comprehensive review, the Israel Defense Force has identified several areas in which it can do more to avoid violating the rights of Palestinian demonstrators, PreOccupied Territory has learned, including the use of NERF™ projectiles ...

Washington, May 6 – The Obama administration has been attempting to hide its head in the sand regarding the threats posed by Iran’s nuclear ambitions and by Palestinian militants, but the sheer size of the president’s ego-inflated cranium has made ...

Tel Aviv, April 28 – The director-general of Israel’s Ministry of Defense announced this morning that the large target painted on the roof of the ministry complex would be painted over, in keeping with a new directive to bring the ...

Tel Aviv, April 21 – Faced with unprecedented levels of smugness that interferes with operations, the Israel Defense Forces have developed plans to remotely eliminate vegans, the source of 95% of that smugness. A recent threat analysis commissioned by the ...