City Councilman Vows 50% Increase In Useless Resolutions

“All we have is bold statements, resolutions, and ‘firm commitments’ that can never amount to anything.”

Jerusalem, November 25 – A member of the municipal legislature in Israel’s capital announced today that he had discovered a glaring deficiency in the body’s adoption of purely performative gestures instead of addressing the real needs of his million-strong constituency, and he promised not to rest until the number of such declarative, vain motions grows by at least half the current figure.

Yeroham Blovitz, a City Councilman in the Jerusalem Municipality, issued a statement this morning vowing a minimum fifty percent increase in useless resolutions introduced to the Council in the upcoming term, following what he called a disappointing figure reached during the previous several sessions.

“We abdicate our responsibility as Councilmen if we fail to engage in the appropriate level of posturing,” he declared. “The Council has no real power. All we have is bold statements, resolutions, and ‘firm commitments’ that can never amount to anything. During the most recent sessions, of 2024 and 2025, this body issued a pathetic fourteen resolutions. It used to be a serious Council, back in the day. No longer. We must restore what this unimpressive plenum used to be.”

A check of news sources and municipal records showed that during the nineties and the aughts, on an annual basis, the Jerusalem City Council approved no fewer than thirty-five resolutions and proclamations on all manner of issues, from United Nations actions to statements by various European bureaucrats, as well as on matters with at least some direct bearing on local affairs, such as sanitation or education workers on strike, or demands that “something be done” about traffic and construction hazards that, at least officially, fall under the purview of the municipality itself, but in practice depend on grants from the Ministry of the Interior because efficient assessment and collection of local tax revenues have never been the municipality’s strong point.

The other Council members had mixed reactions. “I’m all for boosting our bloviation numbers,” admitted Councilwoman Sarah Kabbin-Dibbur. “That’s why so many of us went into politics in the first place. While our words barely register while we’re languishing in there irrelevant positions, we hope these positions will provide a stepping-stone to positions of actual relevance, such as member of the Cabinet, or perhaps news commentator.”

Councilman Havel Havalim disagreed. “The point of getting into local politics isn’t self-aggrandizement,” he insisted. “Ain’t nobody got time for that. The point is access to those sweet funds born of awarding municipal contracts to the highest briber, and getting kickbacks. This isn’t racket science.”

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