Defense Ministry Slashes Toilet Training Budget

Tel Aviv, May 20 – Cuts in allocation from the Ministry of Finance have forced the Ministry of Defense to trim some of its programs, and among the first to go down the drain is the toilet training regime of the IDF.

Long a regular component of the treatment soldiers receive upon entering service, the toilet training program has of late faced swirling controversy over the efficiency of its output, and few observers are surprised that it was the first to be deep-sixed. Despite attempts to keep a lid on the emerging situation, ministry officials have been unable to stem leaks to the effect that it would be the first to go if the budget were wiped out.

Ministry spokesman Asher Yatzar said the army would be forced to adapt to the budget’s big hole, perhaps encouraging high schools and pre-recruitment programs to implement their own preparatory regimes. Officers who had been in charge of the toilet training would be reassigned to other areas of training, such as backup or mop-up duties. A trial program, known as Beta Kissei, is already underway under the aegis of Rear Admiral Duncan Floates, who reports no major issues so far.

But the very notion of removing such a venerable program after many decades faced stiff internal opposition and blockage within the ministry, long a deep-seated stronghold of the Labor potty. Some of the department heads insisted the military could absorb the cost without allowing laxity to seep into its functioning, but in the end those critics failed to sway the septics. Even a last-minute, stopgap movement to delay the cuts flopped, leaving a foul aftertaste.

“There’s a good bit of unpleasantness in the air,” noted Daniel Pipes, who plumbs issues of Defense and politics in the region. “Many people are worried what will happen to recruits, who already have to worry about not being properly equipped and trained,” he explained, noting that often, parents of soldiers end up supplying such necessities as warm hats and socks in winter. “We should expect a good bit of splashback from parents and veterans, who will highlight the critical nature of having the cadets log time in training.”

The Veterans Committee has already expressed its concerns, noting the worrisome prospect of accidents. Mr. Yatzar acknowledged those issues but insisted that the military can still turn out solid soldiers. “We will still be able to do some rudimentary drills – we’ll give them some runs,” he said. “It’s all a question of investment – what you get out of this depends on what you put into it.”