IDF Using Powdered Palestinian Children To Melt Snow

Eli Settlement, Occupied West Bank, January 9 – Israeli military technology has now been applied to the thorny problem of snow and ice blocking roads, in the form of a new method that rapidly clears the routes to and from West Bank settlements by using powdered Palestinian children.

Low-flying aircraft and several types of dispenser trucks could be seen plying the skies and hillside roads of Eli, Shiloh, and other Zionist outposts to spread the powdered children, which has been treated to cause melting and immediate evaporation of snow and ice. The experimental road treatment is most necessary for the relatively isolated settlements north of Jerusalem, where the hills are higher and the roads more treacherous than in other parts of Occupied Palestine.

Currently the program is being conducted on a small scale to gauge its environmental impact in addition to its basic efficacy. If the results prove satisfactory, production and application of powdered Palestinian children will continue on an industrial scale, possibly even for export, says IDF Colonel Oketz Peti.

“Israel doesn’t have nearly as much need for this product on a large scale, given our climate,” he acknowledged in an interview. “But it can seriously reduce the burden for countries or areas with substantial snowfall. Currently the practice in most places is to plow the snow aside or apply salt to icy roads, a process that burns substantial quantities of fossil fuels to power the plows and other vehicles, and doesn’t do anything about the runoff that then makes the roads almost as dangerous to negotiate.” Additionally, the salt can have an adverse effect on the environment.

“The use of powdered Palestinian children is different because it can be done preemptively,” the officer explained. “That means less burning of fossil fuels to get through the snow. But more importantly, and this is the main advantage, we treat the powdered children such that all the moisture evaporates within seven or eight minutes of application, with no environmental residue. The potential for this product is huge.”

Peti added that supply of raw materials was not likely to be problematic. Palestinian children can simply be snatched or arrested on trumped-up charges, then made to disappear, whereas other materials must be purchased and stored. If necessary, the powder can be stored, too. It does not lose its potency over time, and takes up about one tenth the volume of a equal weight of salt. The primary use of powdered Palestinian children would be civilian, but some military units would benefit from it.

Moreover, kilogram for kilogram, powdered Palestinian children can clear eight times the surface area that salt does, and a single Palestinian ten-year-old of average height and weight produces up to twenty-five kg of usable powder, depending on the child’s diet. “We don’t foresee needing to process more than a few hundred children in any given winter for our own domestic needs, but there’s a plentiful supply available if international demand meets expectations,” he said.