IDF War Games Consider Scenario Of Enemies Developing Brains

The simulated enemies opt for radical tactics such as “not starting unwinnable wars.”

Tel Aviv, January 26 – In a bold departure from their usual training exercises involving drone swarms, tank battalions, and precision airstrikes that could vaporize a mosquito from orbit, the Israeli Defense Forces have unveiled a new simulation that’s sending shockwaves through military circles: one where their adversaries finally develop adult cognitive functioning.

Dubbed “Operation Cerebral Awakening,” the hypothetical scenario posits a terrifying alternate reality where groups like Hamas, Hezbollah, and other perennial foes of Israel abruptly stop charging headfirst into the jaws of one of the world’s most advanced militaries. Instead, these simulated enemies opt for radical tactics such as “not starting unwinnable wars” or “reading a history book before launching rockets.”

“We’ve drilled for every conceivable threat – cyber hacks, nuclear escalations, even alien invasions if we’re being honest,” said IDF spokesperson Maj. Gen. Ari Goldstein in a press briefing. “But this? Enemies with brains? It’s the stuff of nightmares. Imagine if Hamas decided to invest in education instead of elaborate tunnel systems that end up as IDF tourist attractions. Or if Iran stopped funding proxy militias and started a tech startup boom. We’d be out of a job!”

The simulation, reportedly run on supercomputers borrowed from Mossad’s “Predictably Dumb Foe” algorithm department, explores various “what if” branches. In one branch, Hamas leaders wake up one morning and realize that provoking a nation with a GDP larger than some continents and an innovative military might not provide a path to victory. “They’d probably start negotiating or, God forbid, building schools and hospitals that aren’t also rocket silos,” Goldstein shuddered. “Our troops would have to retrain as baristas or something.”

Israel’s enemies have often blundered into the geopolitical equivalent of bringing a slingshot to a laser fight. Historians – or anyone with a Wikipedia account – will recall the 1967 Six-Day War, where Arab coalitions thought massing troops on borders was a genius flex, only to get curb-stomped in less time than it takes to binge a Netflix series. They tried again with the Yom Kippur War in 1973, a surprise attack that started strong but ended with Israel turning the tables so hard it nearly redrew the map. Endless intifadas followed, when stone-throwing met armored vehicles à la a toddler versus Mike Tyson.

Hamas’s October 7, 2023, assault – hailed by some as a “bold resistance” but by intelligent humans as “suicidal overconfidence” – fits the pattern. Launching paragliders and pickup trucks against a foe with F-35 jets, AI-guided munitions, and an intelligence network that knows what you had for breakfast provoked a conflict that made Hamas’s and Hezbollah’s “victory” claims evaporate faster than water in the Negev Desert. Tunnels collapsed, leaders assassinated via exploding pagers), and international sympathy waning as the group clings to hostages harder than Hitler clutching a cyanide pill.

Experts in asymmetric warfare – a fancy term for “losing but pretending it’s winning” – are baffled by the repetition. “It’s Darwinism in reverse,” observed Dr. Miriam Klein, a Tel Aviv University professor specializing in Middle East follies. “Natural selection should have weeded out these tactics generations ago. But no, every few years, some group thinks, ‘This time it’ll work!’ But if enemies developed brains, they’d pivot to diplomacy, economic pressure, or – radical idea – peaceful coexistence. That would require admitting Israel isn’t going anywhere, which apparently is harder than watching your life’s work get blown up by IDF explosives.”

Critics, however, argue the simulation overlooks the real stupidity tax: the human cost. Thousands dead, economies ruined, and generations scarred – all because some leaders can’t grasp basic game theory. “It’s not funny,” said peace activist Yael Cohen, before admitting, “Okay, it’s a little funny, like watching Wile E. Coyote order another Acme rocket.”

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