Israeli Left Scratches Maduro From Shortlist Of Electoral Saviors

“Who’s left? Literally?”

Tel Aviv, January 14 – With a sigh and a rueful shake of the head, the leaders of The Democrats today removed the former president of Venezuela from their roster of candidate who might lead them back from political oblivion.

Party chairman Yair Golan convened an emergency meeting of the central committee after news broke that Nicolás Maduro, once hailed in certain Tel Aviv cafés as a “bold anti-imperialist visionary,” had been dramatically extracted from Caracas by U.S. special forces and whisked to a New York courtroom. “We were this close to inviting him for a solidarity tour,” confided one anonymous Meretz holdover, holding thumb and forefinger millimeters apart. “He checked all the boxes: defiant against Yankee hegemony, masterful at rigging elections, and an inspiration for turning a resource-rich nation into a humanitarian paradise.”

Sources close to the party revealed that Maduro had surged to the top of an internal “International Inspirations” list compiled to rejuvenate The Democrats’ flagging fortunes. The merger of Labor and Meretz into The Democrats was meant to consolidate the Zionist left’s remnants, but polls ahead of the 2026 elections show the party hovering perilously near the electoral threshold—again. Desperate for a charismatic figure to rally the troops, strategists reportedly admired Maduro’s ability to maintain power despite widespread unpopularity, hyperinflation, and mass emigration.

“He could’ve taught us a thing or two about voter suppression—er, engagement,” said a former Labor MK who requested anonymity to avoid accusations of nostalgia for the good old days when the left actually won elections. “Plus, his speeches! Hours of fiery rhetoric blaming everything on external forces. We thought it might resonate with our base, who still blame Netanyahu for the weather.”

Alas, Maduro’s abrupt relocation to federal custody—facing charges of narco-terrorism and generally being a bad neighbor—dashed those dreams. “It’s heartbreaking,” Golan reportedly told aides. “First Chávez passes, then Corbyn gets sidelined, and now this. Who’s left? Literally?”

Insiders say the shortlist now includes lesser luminaries: a Cuban economist specializing in rationing expertise, and a North Korean delegate promising tips on eternal leadership. “We’re open to suggestions,” the party statement read, “as long as they have experience governing from the left without pesky democratic interruptions.”

Maduro’s elimination from contention represents the fourth disqualification of such a candidate in the last two years, despite hopes that one of the combative, charismatic figures from abroad could usher the Israeli left back into power, by any means necessary and not limited to vibes, papers, and essays. The assassinations of Ismail Haniyeh, Hassan Nasrallah, Yahya Sinwar, and various other Islamists since October 2023 have pared the shortlist down to the single digits, and it may yet dip lower if Ayatollah Khamenei falls as well.

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