Lactose-Intolerant, Diabetic Israelites Object To Land Of Milk And Honey

Shittim, Transjordan – Disaffection has set in among a group of Israelites in anticipation of entering the Land of Milk and Honey, as the group suffers from metabolic conditions that make their consumption of milk or honey either unpleasant or dangerous.

Moses is preparing to send the people of Israel into the Promised Land under the aegis of his deputy Joshua. Both The LORD Almighty and Moses have described the land, presently called Canaan, as “flowing with milk and honey,” a term that excites most Israelites, but makes others nervous, as they suffer from either lactose inteolerance, which makes digestion of milk difficult, or diabetes, which makes consumption of honey destructive. A few Israelites have both conditions. Representatives of the groups approached Moses this morning with a petition asking for clarification of their options.

“We deeply appreciate the freedom, the closeness to God, and the opportunity to live by His word in the land He designated,” said Zimri Saluson, director of Make Israelite Lactase-deficiency Known (MILK), an advocacy group. “But we remain anxious over our ability to fully bring God’s presence into the world when the chief characteristic of the place set aside for us to do so means cramps, gas, bloating, diarrhea, and possibly vomiting.”

Lactase-deficient individuals lack the enzyme that helps break down one of the sugars in dairy, such that intestinal bacteria digest it instead, in such a way that an abundance of intestinal gas is produced. The buildup of those gases creates pressure that ultimately results in any or all of the conditions Saluson listed. It is estimated that up to 75% of Israelites suffer some level of lactase deficiency, which Saluson notes make the land of milk and honey a threatening, rather than promising, land.

A smaller number of Israelites have diabetes, which renders their cells unable to properly absorb glucose. Sweet foods of any variety typically cause elevated blood sugar levels, which have disastrous long-term consequences for the kidneys, eyes, circulatory system, and extremities. An organization called Diabetics Against The Holyland Angina Nexus (DATHAN) warns that the “honey” element of the Land of Milk and Honey effectively sentences diabetics to a life of affliction.

“Whether Moses means date-honey or bee honey, the metabolic consequences will be disastrous,” says Aviram Ben-Eliav, co-president of DATHAN. “We would much prefer a land of fish, cucumbers, gourds, leeks, onions, and garlic.”

MILK and DATHAN have scheduled a demonstration for tomorrow, calling on Moses and the LORD to consider alternative venues, such as the African country of Uganda.