Man Masters Talmud But Still Doesn’t Know How To Control Banks

Getting one of those users to conduct a polite and productive, let alone coherent, conversation with the Rabbi might not prove feasible.

Jerusalem, January 25 – A lifelong student of Jewish lore has learned every folio of both the “Babylonian” and “Jerusalem” versions of the faith’s most authoritative text, always keeping an eye out for the teachings that would enable him to take over and manipulate global finance, can claim he knows the work inside and out, but still has no clue how to achieve the vaunted capacity that conspiracy theorists have long argued comes from such an endeavor, the man reported today.

Rabbi David Rabinowitz, 46, recently completed his thirtieth cycle of learning both the Bavli and Yerushalmi Talmud, the central repository of Jewish practical knowledge and the mainstay of Judaism’s moral ethos. The scholarly and personal attainment, a testament to Rabbi Rabinowitz’s discipline and intellectual prowess, which he has pursued in addition to gaining mastery of dozens of volumes of subsequent Jewish lore, has nevertheless left him no closer to controlling the world’s banks, financial markets, economies, media, and governments than when he began his studies nearly four decades ago.

“I feel like if it’s in there, I’d have discovered it by now,” remarked the father of eight, an author of two respected volumes of novel interpretation of Talmudic lore. “I even asked scholars who stand head and shoulders above me in this field, and they seemed to have no idea what I was talking about.”

Analysts suggested that Rabbi Rabinowitz could resolve his dilemma by speaking to the many Reddit and Twitter users who cite what they call “Talmud passages” to assert a Jewish conspiracy controls much of the world, but also acknowledged that getting one of those users to conduct a polite and productive, let alone coherent, conversation with the Rabbi might not prove feasible.

“It’s possible they fear this super-Jew will trap them with his mendacious tricks,” stated in$el69, a veteran of 4chan and longtime commentator on, as well as spreader of, Elders-of-Zion conspiracy theories. “For instance, he might innocently ask how those Jews whom they finger as exercising that control are almost to man unversed in the Talmud. Or he might point out that if Talmud scholars in their decades of study do not encounter the passages these users cite, even if they really are part of the Talmud, how could those passages be operative and therefore relevant in any way to Jewish control of the banks? I’m sure they just want to avoid that kind of intellectual dishonesty.”

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