“None of the credible candidates offer the promise of eliminating or mitigating this threat to public health,” elaborated Aryush Itinmi.
Jerusalem, July 3 – Public Health officials in Israel announced today they are recalling the latest batch of Labor Party primaries over concerns they may contain elevated levels of patheticalness, lost glory, and flogged dead horses, among other harmful substances.
Minister of Health Yaakov Litzman issued the recall this morning after accumulated reports of the primaries – scheduled to be rolled out tomorrow – causing fatigue, nausea, eye-rolling-related muscle spasms, facepalm-related injuries, and numerous other symptoms. In a statement issued to the media Monday, Litzman declined to provide a precise assessment of when new Labor primaries might be held.
“The current lot of Labor candidates and primaries poses a public health risk we cannot allow,” the minister’s statement read. “The manufacturer has been warned several times of the problematic components and management behind the hazards, but has not acted to improve the situation. As such, the Minister of Health has invoked his authority under the law to impose a recall of Labor Party primaries until further notice.”
A ministry spokesman explained that the minister and his advisers on the matter remain reluctant to estimate when Labor primaries will be permitted because they have not reached firm conclusions on how long it might take for Labor to introduce candidates and platforms with levels of delusion, pretentiousness, and cultural elitism below the thresholds deemed harmful. “None of the credible candidates offer the promise of eliminating or mitigating this threat to public health,” elaborated Aryush Itinmi. “While several possess some measure of gravitas, none appear to appreciate the diluted power of the party, the laughingstock it has become under successive hapless leaders, and the deadly results of the policies they have advocated for a quarter-century. In the interest of public health and safety, we are issuing this recall.”
Itinmi alluded to contingency plans that involve a recall of the entire Labor Party if the problematic issues with the composite elements of the current primary are not resolved in a timely fashion. “The ministry is actively examining the factors and entities contributing to this public health danger, and will take all necessary steps to safeguard the public from any such menace. More drastic measure, if necessary, will be forthcoming if Labor does not remove the unacceptable elements from its candidates and policies,” he stressed.
Labor candidates dismissed the ministry’s concerns. “Our internal data show very different results,” insisted Amir Peretz, a former Histadrut trade union chief and Minister of Defense under Prime Minister Ehud Olmert. “Just as my campaign’s internal polls show very different numbers from the other candidates’ and from the media’s polling. Also, free unicorns for everyone if I’m elected.” He continued licking a frog as he spoke.
Please support our work through Patreon.