Mossad Also Recruiting Octuple-Agent Octopuses

The creatures allegedly feign combat operations against Israeli targets while in fact conducting espionage for the Mossad and Israeli military intelligence.

Kissufim, Israel, August 25 – The recent reports of Hamas capturing a dolphin that had been trained and equipped by Israel to conduct espionage, and possibly sabotage, has opened a window into the secretive world of Mossad programs to exploit the innocent appearance of animals to further the organization’s objectives. Among those programs, say international experts, is a plan already in its advanced stages to recruit octopuses already in the service of Palestinian security services as octuple agents.

After multiple reports over the last ten years of various kinds of wildlife serving as Israeli agents – sharks, birds of prey, and now dolphins – Palestinian militant leaders embarked on a similar plan. They succeeded in convincing several different species of octopus to take up arms against Israel, and aimed to make use of the multiple throwing arms to inflict damage on Israeli soldiers and civilians via rocks, bricks, firebombs, and other projectiles. However, recent experience with the creatures indicates that Israel has already succeeded in turning a good number of them, and the Mossad handlers assigned to the octopuses have managed to counter Palestinian octopus loyalty in at least eight different ways.

Hamas spokesman Akhta Boutun said the organization had recruited and trained upwards of thirty individual octopuses for its new cephalopod commando unit, but that not a single octopus had successfully inflicted even one casualty on Israelis in the seven months since the unit formally began operations. An investigation into the murky workings of the top-secret unit raised suspicions that several, if not all, of the octopuses had been bribed, cajoled, blackmailed, or otherwise persuaded to feign combat operations against Israeli targets while in fact conducting espionage for the Mossad and Israeli military intelligence.

An effort to interrogate, discipline, and reorganize the unit initially appeared successful, but within weeks the combat statistics had not changed: Molotov cocktails were consistently exploding long before they reached their targets or not at all; rocks hit other Palestinians from behind; and cameras set up to record only Israeli soldiers’ reactions to provocation, not the violent provocation itself, were activated too early and had their angles switched so they actually showed the Palestinian violence.

Repeated efforts to stabilize the cephalopod commandos followed the same pattern, but with each iteration, the creatures were able to provide more detailed and more sensitive information on Hamas training procedures and tactics to their Mossad handlers. “We’re this close to shutting down the operation entirely if things don’t improve,” said Boutun. “It only just occurred to some senior analysts that the octopuses might have been compromised even before our agents got to them. We hadn’t developed procedures for such a scenario.”

“I’m telling you, those Zionists have their tentacles everywhere.”

(h/t Antisionista)