Palestinians Shocked To Learn: Elsewhere, Stabbers/Shooters Get Punished, Not Rewarded

“I don’t get it. How do those people show their resistance to Zionism?”

Ramallah, January 24 – Subjects of the Palestinian Authority expressed surprise today upon discovering that outside their self-rule areas, the standard treatment for people convicted of violent crimes involves imprisonment and other penalties, and not, as those subjects have become accustomed to under Fatah-Hamas rule, generous lifetime pensions proportionate to the number of Israelis killed.

Interviews with Palestinians over the last several weeks indicated a culture gap regarding the fate of people who have committed murder or attempted murder, between Palestinians and almost every other country in the world. In the latter, authorities arrest, imprison, try, and, if they can convict, incarcerate the offender for a duration determined either by statute or judiciary discretion, often the rest of the offender’s life. In some cases and locales, the punishment for such actions can include execution. In Palestinian autonomous areas, however, Palestinian authorities reward the offenders when the targets are Israeli, in particular Israeli Jews, with monthly payments lasting the rest of the recipient’s life. If the offender met his or her own end in the attempt to end an Israeli life, payments go to the perpetrator’s family. Whether or not the perpetrator survives, a higher body count generates a higher set of payments.

“You mean that’s not encouraged?” wondered one respondent. “I don’t get it. How do those people show their resistance to Zionism?”

“Obviously their priorities are screwed up,” remarked another. “We knew the West was corrupt, but this is just another example of how far gone they are.”

The details of the discrepancy also confused Palestinians. “You’re telling me that vehicular homicide is its own special category and not just another glorious method with which the cursed usurper?” wondered several others, using similar terminology. “I… the ‘Assault with a Deadly Weapons’ category is frightfully unimaginative in its specifics, I’ll tell you that much.”

After some internet searches and skimming the results, several more respondents noted the complete absence of extrajudicial killing in the political culture, let alone laws. “I see nothing about summary execution of suspected collaborators,” whispered a shocked Palestinian. “How do they even settle family vendettas? And no honor killing? What kind of primitive culture is that over there? No wonder their women dress like they are all asking to be raped! It’s not like here, where we do it regardless of what women ask, you know? And I’m seeing shockingly few places where homosexuality is a capital offense. What is wrong with those people?”

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