Protests Against Heaven’s Muslim Ban Intensify

Spokesmen for Heaven defended the new restrictions as necessary to protect the citizens of the Realm.

Eden, February 1 – Demonstrations continued today over the exclusion of Muslims from Paradise, in some cases turning violent.

Crowds of excluded Muslims and a much larger contingent of supporters gathered outside the Pearly Gates for the third consecutive day to protest the Executive Order from On High suspending the entry of Muslims from certain societies into the Supernal Realm for a period of 120 days, pending more thorough vetting of applicants. The announcement sparked outrage among a wide spectrum of humanity, with some calling the move illegal, and riots took place in several supernal locations as supporters and opponents of the so-called Muslim Ban

Spokesmen for Heaven defended the new restrictions as necessary to protect the citizens of the Realm, and criticized opponents for casting them as a “ban” when in fact they are a focused and temporary set of limits against only certain humans who happen to come from Muslim societies. “It’s not about their Islam,” insisted Gabriel. “I would know. I’m a major figure in Islam, and we have plenty of Muslims in here already. We’re not kicking anyone out. The people who are here already are fine people. Otherwise they never would have been admitted in the first place. We’re talking about a more rigorous admissions policy that will take some time to implement, and in the meantime we have to slow everything down.”

Such explanations failed to satisfy protesters, who called the new policy discriminatory. “Oh, it just so happens that almost all the people excluded from Heaven follow the Muslim faith,” retorted actress Lena Dunham. “They’re not fooling anyone. Even some Heavenly officials called it a ‘Muslim Ban’ when they were talking about it. They have to stop hiding behind semantics and face the fact that this policy is discriminatory in effect, even if not in intent, which we always use to determine whether a policy is discriminatory. But of course this one is also discriminatory in intent, because I’ve bound my identity up in opposing it, so there’s no way I’m going to change my mind.” In response to an inquiry whether there might be something incompatible between the class of people currently excluded and traits incompatible with Heaven, Dunham called a reporter “racist.”

Satan also dispatched demon-strators to join the protests and spark violence. “We don’t have a problem admitting Muslims,” boasted the Prince of Darkness. “We have no shortage of them. Obviously we’re morally superior to those who think they’re on a ‘higher’ plane.”

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